I carried a watermelon...

So far today has not been the greatest day.  When I wake up and my mom (aka the roommate) is up and looking for her bra ready to get dressed and go to the store to buy postcards, it throws me off.  Not in a bad way but in a, lady we are in Baltimore not Mississippi so what do you need postcards?  Her response was well they had a lot of information on them and I need them!  Our family reunion was this past weekend.  It was really great to see everyone but it was such a busy weekend!  We flew in Thursday rested a bit.  Friday we got up and went to MS to visit my mom’s birthplace.  Now because she is 71 and has a bit of dementia, the actual address she gave us was only partially right.  She remembered 23^rd street, but it was actually it was 3^rd St.  She said it was 223 but there was no 223 to be found.  So we drove up and down 3^rd St and she made us ask pretty much everyone on the street where 223 was.  The good thing is we are in the south, WAAAAAAAAY in the south so folks wave and have a hi y’all ready and waiting on their lips, so stopping to ask them questions was really not a problem.    But we stopped about 50eleven people including a man who had about 3 teeth who wanted to just keep talking and a shirtless man who had major tats and tan line and 223 just did not exist.  But we rode around and she was able to see some landmarks.  We then went to her 1^st cousins home who she hadn’t seen since the 90’s so it was very emotional.  My cousin has a lot on knick knacks in her home, and that was special!  OH and we stopped at the Kermit the Frog birthplace which is ALSO in Leland, MS! SO yeah.  And then that night we made to Beale Street.  I really didn’t know what that was going to be, but mostly it was bars with singers and bands.  I really just wanted some food.  Saturday we got up went to Denny’s and ate like we never had a meal before in our life only to go to a cookout about an hour later.  The cookout is like the main event for the reunion, even though we had a meet and greet… actually let me back up.  So Friday night we had a meet and greet AND a DJ!!  Now this was a first for us!  Everyone was dancing and eating and we had a great time!! So after the cookout I had to take a beat because it was HOT and I was tired!! Took a shower and went to get some more food… we really do like to eat!  Now I expected a little more soul food and I must admit we really didn’t go to many places BUT the peach cobbler at Kooky Canuck is something to write about!! Man was that thing good!!  Sweet and the crust was off the freaking hook!!! Sunday we had a brunch and brought out booties home!!  I know there is a lot more and I may revisit as the blog goes on.  So that was why my mom was a little confused this morning.  She is still in TN and MS mode and I was totally not ready for that!

I was watching R&B Divas the other day and something really hit me… do you sit around your house face FULLY made with eyelashes?!?!  I mean is that YOUR reality?  I think it was KeKe and her mother just beat for the GODS sitting around the kitchen and then the camera went to Angie Stone and her daughter faces BEAT yet again.  I mean I know you should be camera ready but DAMN Y’ALL!!!  It’s just a bit much, but you know whatever.  And speaking of this show (which I just watched ep 5) Latavia girl start practicing so we can hear you sang.  IT is a singing show and that is what you are required to do.  It can’t be that bad.  I knew something was ‘off’ when I purchased the supposed compilation cd for the show and Faith Evans was the onliest one on the cover, inside and back.  There was no group picture NO WHERE!! It immediately left a bad taste in my mouth and I hadn’t even listened to the thing.  And then I did listen and I still had the bad taste.  I think the only song I liked was the intro song and Syleena’s song.  So the fact that it was nominated for a Grammy but only Faith is the only nominated made complete sense to me.  To be honest most of the R&B categories had some whack nominations, but if that cd had won it would have been beyond messy.   Faith that was hella shady and you know it!  It’s ok to share the spotlight.  And while I really don’t think her nature is to be shady it does look a little dark over there. 

Lime green crocs?!?!  That’s what you rocking dude???  Ok carry on!!

Me and Uncle Sam and the State of Maryland are about to have a lil disagreement.  So I filed and paid taxes for both 2012 and 2013 for the state and sent in an initial check for the gubment for 2012.  The state was like ‘chick!? yeah we gon need some additional past due funds.’  But really it’s not that much so I’m not tripping too hard.  But the I, the R, and the S sent back a letter that basically said ‘that was cute… you tried it!!  Now we want ALL of the money !’ For anyone who knows me, I truly do not play when it comes to taxes.   Or maybe this a family thing, my immediate family and cousins know!!  So it all goes back to when I was a kid.  I had a very close relative go “away” (that means he was in jail), and I was told, I was only about 7 or 8, that he didn’t pay his taxes.  Now that was not the real reason but it was the best reason to give me OR SO THEY THOUGHT!!  They being my mother and father who were trying to shield me from the harsh realities.  What they didn’t realize that this lil white lie has scarred me for life!!  As a kid, probably when I got a little older they would joke about not paying taxes and I would get spastic like OH YES YOU WILL PAY YOUR TAXES!!!!  The thing is they forgot they told me this lie but it quickly became apparent that this is NOT something you joke about in my presence.  Since then, I have been a little paranoid about the whole tax situation so when 2013 came and went without me having filed anything for 2012 was a HUGE deal.  Even though I know it will take more than 1 missed year, I fully expect the sheriff to be at my door any given day to haul me off to jail.  And we can’t have that so I really need to call them people soon and work a deal.

One of the reasons I’m having a not so great day is that my contract has not been renewed.  I’m not really sad but I do need to work in order to pay Uncle Sam. What is hilarious to me is that I just finished talking to a co-worker who nonchalantly said ‘Oh I just passed the bar and I’ll get sworn in next month, but I need some steady income.’  After I picked up my chin I am still flabbergasted that she is so very blessed and is still very matter factly about it!! Good for her.  Meanwhile her contract is up as well and she has a plethora (SAT rod ding ding ding) of opportunities but is worried about this lil job.  Whew folks are funny!!

Random…There is a new show on USA called Playing House and the guy said ‘No one puts baby in the corner’… you know the iconic line from ‘Dirty Dancing’ so the pregnant lady said 'I carried a watermelon!' And the guy was like WHAT?!?!  She said you know from Dirty Dancing… he hadn’t seen the movie.   SO now my titles will be random lines from my favorite movies!!

 

i don't really mind if it's over your head

Insecurity is not a sexy quality.  It’s not that I think I have it all together I truly do not, but insecure is one thing I hope no one ever uses as a term to describe me.  I was talking to the little girl (she is young early 20’s) who is the security guard.  It looked like she had cut her hair but she was explaining to me that she had about ½ inch new growth and was attempting to go natural.  She said she looked a mess at the mall yesterday and then she decided to pin it up and the front was out but it looked really cute.  I told her some days I look a hot mess but I still carry it like it looks good.  Today I am rocking the full on fro.  I didn’t twist last night and it really was a bushy mess but I kept picking it till it stood up the way I want it to.  This really isn’t about hair though.  You can have a poor image of anything, your body, hair, speaking in public, job skills just anything!  Recently one of my friends/co-workers tried to lump me in a category of not having a certain skill set for a job.  I told her to speak for herself because my skill set was HUGE!!  I could run this place if they needed for me to!  I know firsthand from a manager we both had at one time how she is looked at.  I sit in meetings and they say Hey Chick do you know how to convert widgets to wangers?!?  And I say I SURE DO!! I leave the meeting and GOOGLE IT!!  Then I find any experts I know on wangers and I get the shit done!  She hems and haws and generally management doesn’t like that.  As for my body, well I have said in the past that I wanted to be a big booty girl.  I have lots of boobs but booty not so much, except I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day and I kinda do have a big booty.  I guess I should have said big booty small waist is what I wanted and I’ma throw a swim suit on with all my TNA and act like I’m the cutest chick at the pool/beach! 

Old man at the post office, WHY do you think you are exempt from standing in line and just out and out get in front of me?!? I’m about 2 seconds from letting things slide and I do not think the people are ready.  And WHY did I think I could run in and run out?!?  The dude in front had about 50 packages that had to be individually metered.  I’m thinking he didn’t know about the flat rate boxes and that they can come to your house. And then there was the little girl in the purple tutu who was giving me way more cuteness than I could handle!! And finally the cashier, does your face need to be that beat to work at the post office?!?  Yeah maybe!!!  She looked good and well put together which is not saying much for the other cashier who looked like he hadn’t washed hi shirt in weeks and was acting real postal and slow for no good reason.  It’s 10 AM buddy and folks got shit to mail!!

I have a friend who does not enjoy food as much as I do and I cannot for the life of me understand why!!! She knows who she is!! She constantly says she is not a foodie and I keep tryna explain you don’t have to be a foodie to enjoy food.  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like Miss Shirley’s.  It’s almost sacrilegious to speak bad about that restaurant, but this chick says it’s ok.  OK?!?!?  **major side eye** We were talking about vacation and how she wants to do activities and she just can’t understand why food has to be part of it.  I mean I don’t plan my day around food (well I mean sometimes I DO), but make no mistake DO NOT let me get too hungry or there will be heck to pay LOL!! I always appreciate a good meal, a good drink a good glass (or bottle) of wine!  Like a few weeks ago I had some fries with gravy and cheese curds.  CHEESE CURDS!! And then we had calamari (which I have had some bad calamari in my day) came in this little fry basket and it was sooo good.  Now I know I take my love of food to an extreme sometimes, I know this! I know everyone is not brought to tears because something is just that good (crab cone from Gypsy Queen food truck OHHH IT’S THAT SERIOUS!!)!!  But good food is just good food!  But  I’ma let her slide because at least she tries new things.

I really know how it feels to be, stressed out STRESSED OUT!

It is chilly today, but it’s still a nice spring day.  I am totally not going to complain about the heat or the cold no more.  It’s useless anyway.  But what I do need to do is stop wearing these little sandals because my feet are a bit chilly today.

So per ALWAYS chatting in the loo is an unwritten rule of mine.  And I think because its unwritten people take all the liberties and just be talking to me cause they just don’t know. So I’m in the stall doing my thing and the lady next to me says ‘OH YOUR TOENAILS ARE SO PRETTY! I really need to go get a pedicure myself and that is the color I want!’ I was so flabbergasted and if you could have seen the look on my face, I was DONE!  No really, everything stopped I said a weak thanks and high tailed it outta there.  Then I looked at myself in the mirror and just shook my head.  REALLY??   What we are not gon do is have a conversation while I am in the freaking stall!!

This whole speculation behind what Solange, Jay Z, and Beyoncé said and did is a bit much.  We have all seen the footage and my girl Solange was indeed out for blood in the elevator.  I suspect we will never truly know what happened because they keep things like this real tight and quite.  But what I will say is that I am a younger sister and I have dared on more than one occasion for a man of any importance to try it with my sister.  The last guy I said it to laughed and then saw my face when I said I WILL HURT YOU and then did a little nervous giggle.  I still have it out for him and he don’t even know it!!  And Solange is not ratchet or ghetto she is just a sister.  What no one is saying is it looks like she is fussing at Beyoncé as well as Jay.  So they both did something that was outta pocket and Solange was fixin to handle it Miss Pope style!! What’s messed up is nothing we say or do is truly private; it’s just that what I say or do no one really cares.   No one is gonna leak no video footage of me.  So that’s what I have to say about that.  OH wait and Julius kinda coulda did a better job.  I mean I know he was protecting Bey!  Lawd I hope the Beygency don’t come for my edges!!  LOL

I wish my cat was as gangster as the one who attacked the dog that was attacking the little boy.  But alas Paisley is so not!!

Why do you need to go in the office right outside of my little cube?!?  Do I need to remind you that there are 100 others you can choose from?!?!  Ijs The shit is so annoying

Lady I am not trying to get in front of you.  The cash register dude is already checking you out.  WHY do you feel the need to get all up in my face?!?  I’m not the one!!

I have literally been on edge quite a bit here lately.  WELL hell, always!!  But my brain is on 100 and I will be glad when this month is over.  I know I’ve said I need to stop anticipating things to be over and just enjoy the present but it’s just so much on my plate and I’s tired and the break that is coming up is what I need!

random for EOB ;)

I was all set to talk about my random day(s) on the FB. And here goes…

So the average age of the people at the Pikesville Panera is 75.  I turned to look and there was an 85 year old in a SHORT tennis skirt with varicose veins and jiggly legs.  I can’t unsee that and I do not appreciate whoever sold that skirt to her AND for the people she was with to let her leave the house with said skirt on.  Then there was the 80 year old man.  They called his number and tried to give him his to go bag.  He is standing there looking at the Panera dude saying is it for here or to go?  For here or to go??  Panera dude starts taking the sandwich out of the bag and then stops and says well sir what did you want?  Old dude says oh well I just wanted to know if I could eat it here or did I have to take it to go?  Panera dude AGAIN says sir what do you want? Old dude says OH well I wanted to go!  Panera dude thrust the bag in his hand and I’m standing there like I CAN’T!!

To the lady with the bad wig and fisher hat, YES as a matter of fact you did just take my spot so don’t look at me crazy like you don’t know what’s up. 

Something that has really been bugging me lately are assumptions.  Don’t assume anything about me, NOT ANYTHING!!  Because as well as you think you know me I am just as likely to switch gears as I am to do what you think I’m going to do or say.  Just ask me.  This stems from a few things but most recently a coworker comes up to me and says ‘so you didn’t put up the signs in the bathroom and it is so unlike facilities to do something like that’.  I stood there like wait I DID put up the signs!  So a little background; the women’s restroom has been a point of contention for me for some time.  The women have been less that tidy.  When more people were in the building the restroom was cleaned a few times a day.  Now because we are the foster children of the company we have all of the 2^nd and 3^rd string workers and they don’t do the best job.  But there are less women so you would think the bathroom would not be so nasty.  OH BUT IT IS!!  After seeing more than anyone should in bathroom I made up a sign that said ‘Ladies we need to do better.  Please make sure ALL the contents of the commode are flushed including the liner’. I posted them and for the most part it‘s been not so bad.  So what made her think I didn’t have the where withal to do that?!  I’m not ashamed so it’s not like I’m hiding it, but she assumed I didn’t and didn’t ask me so I just said ‘WELL I think it has made a difference’ and carried my happy ass in the stall because need I remind you, I don’t like bathroom chatter (and I have a shy bladder). LOL

There is so much flesh that is exposed now that it has gotten the least bit warm.  I am trying to figure out why I get so offended by people who just do not dress appropriately? WHY DOES THIS BOTHER ME? Last week I went to Hershey Park for a lovely little outing and the theme of the day were booty shorts and leggings.  **LOUD SIGH** First off it was not warm enough to have on booty shorts, it just wasn’t.  And as for the leggings they are just wrong on so many levels but yet people still wear them like the look good (including me for my birthday, but I was harnessing my inner Solid Gold and I DID look good LOL).  Just please make sure the shirt or top is long enough.  In my thought process I tried to determine why it bothers me and I still can’t figure it out.  So like in my previous blog I’m gonna stop hatin for no good reason.  HOWEVER I will continue to hate on meggins OH YES THEY EXIST!!! And they too are wrong on so many levels and for so many reasons. 

General rants and raves May edition

This is how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking lately!

·         It’s raining already WHY are you testing the sprinkler system today AND it is spraying toward me.  I just want some lunch, not to get all wet from the sprinkler

·         I ordered potatoes, bacon, wheat toast and eggs.  WHY is it taking this much effort to get my order out and WHY do I need to plates?  I shoulda just ordered the bagel and told the little lady light on the cream cheese.

·       Patent leather spectators with blue snake print? Tight khaki’s and an army green jacket?!?!  NO SIR!!! GO back home and try again!!

·         Pantyhose are STILL for suckas!! I bought 5 pairs and I am already over wearing them for the season.  AND why is white or ivory so hard to find!?!?

·         Black chicks who look mad at the world, COME on sista it’s not that bad -vs- perky white chicks who I can NOT handle some days… I’m not sure which is better or worse

·         I thank Little Baby Jesus for the color purple, and pink, and yellow… and everything!! (not tryna piss Him off LOL)

·         So the line is snaking back to the deli of course I’m next but you now decide to open a new line?!? My life at ALL grocery stores on any given day

·         OH and at same store… dude I know you are the Frito Lay stocker I see your shirt.  WHY do you stop to help when you don’t know where the damn raisins are?  Did the girls mesmerize you?!?

·         The raisins the roommate has to have to eat her oatmeal.  The same woman who dipped into my Cinnamon Toast Crunch the other day who SWEARS she don’t like cold cereal and whose mother would put the milk in the back of the frig knowing it would freeze so she could heat it up and give her baby’s baby warm milk on cereal because she can’t understand why anyone would eat cold cereal in the first place and so now I don’t have to cause the milk was warm and then the cousins would laugh because they drank OTHER milk but I got warm milk on my damn honey nut cheerios that we all had to beg her to buy because really she wanted us to eat corn flakes everyday if it had to be cold even though she REALLY wanted us to eat oatmeal or cream of wheat cause that was hot cereal… and did I just go straight off on my dearly departed grandmother who I would give anything now to eat her hot cereal and biscuits?  Who after we ate all the cold cereal would load us in the big ass red LTD and proceed to make a U turn on Bennett Street!! AND traffic would stop and wait!! Back when you weren’t afraid to go to or say you were from Homewood

·         Whew… that one took a lot outta me!!

·         So when I say I’m hungry NOW it’s about to get ugly!  I don’t mean for it to and I have tried to remedy the situation early enough so that it wouldn’t get to this point.  But I know I have scared a few friends when I’m like NO… NOW!!!   I try to keep little snacks around because that is not the chick I want to let people see

·         I have to chuckle at myself for some of the things I say and do.  I totally crashed the Honey-Do reception at my sorority conference because I did not realize it was for them. I should have gotten a clue when I saw ALL of the men.  But no, I proceeded to go to the bar which I thought was open and THEN got not 1 but 2 cupcakes from the back table.  Hey in my defense no one was checking nothing at the door!!

·         Then there is me saying ‘No go ahead and finish what you saying so I can tell you you’re wrong!!’  She knows who she is and it needed to be said!!

·         Sometimes I want to do a random twirl.  I think it would freak people out!! SO I really shoudl do it!!

·         One of the funniest things at the conference was one golden explaining to another golden why they used the song ‘Happy’ in one of the reports at a plenary session.  AND THEN my girl broke out into singing it in an operatic voice no less on the little shuttle bus.  It was all I could do to not laugh. 

·         And speaking of the little shuttle bus that could, what you won’t do… even though you DID, is go into the CVS while we still on the bus and get snacks and cigs AND THEN after you come back ask if we wanted anything **blank stare**

·         I like that statement WHAT YOU WON’T DO!!!  Even though I stole it from Russ Par or at least he has (or had) a segment on his radio show ‘What you won’t do’

·         Does anyone buy porn anymore?  I mean I don’t… which is not to imply I ever did but I mean doesn’t everyone just look at it for free anyway?!?  I mean you know… if that’s your thing; which AGAIN not to imply that it’s MY thing!

·         AKWARD O_o

·         The dude is sitting right there is front of you what you won’t do it talk in your outside voice!!  He’s grey but I’m pretty sure he can hear AND we can too!!

·         I’m listening to a Frankie Knuckles (RIP) DJ set!  My life is good right now

·         Am I working?!?  Oh glad you asked… NO!!  Why?? Because the parameters of this assignment change a few times a day and they only bother to let me know changes every other day.  The email I just got basically said ALL the shit I did yesterday was for nothing!  So they can all go jump off the nearest cliff, get scurvy, and die!!

·         Why scurvy?!? 

·         To my SEMI-retired coworker… yeah I get it you are taking the summer off but I need my job!! So lemme lone right now chick!! LOL

·         My breakfast is running right through me. An overshare??  Perhaps!! But I didn’t go into the dirty details!!

·         I’m going to stop not liking people who don’t even know I exist.  Also I’m going to stop speaking to them because they don’t even know… THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW!!

·         I’m also going to stop pretending to flirt from afar.  In general boys are dumb and if I have to explain that what I just said was a compliment and/or that I was flirting then CLEARLY I ‘m doing it wrong

·         Don’t let the 2003 Corolla fool you!  She can and will pass your big ass truck AND I’ma look over when I get the chance to smirk at you!! It’s a stick shift, I DRIVE not guide the car!!

·         In what world does Craig Robinson get Kerry Washington?!? Yeah NO WORLD!!!  I’m watching Peeples right now.  He made a comment on The Office that he hooked up with an ugly chick.  I know that it was in the script, but I looked at him like REALLY?!?!  You judging someone’s looks?

·         I am feeling some kinda way about WAY to much today and I probably should start work soon…