who can I run to?

I'm sitting here in my office in my free green shirt I got from 'Be the Match' and my Kermit bottoms.  Not sure why that is important but what is important is I'm starting my job search again and it is a bit daunting.  I'm on LinkedIn now and looking at some previous co-workers who have moved up in the ranks.  I always wonder if I stayed if I too would have been given the opportunity to move up.  I left one company because I knew there was no other choice as I sat in a room after having gotten yet another manager (I went through 3 in 1 year) and for them to ring the praises of a young white male co-worker.  Basically he could do whatever he wanted in the company.  I along with another black female coworker looked at each other like well what about us?  I can't remember if she was pregnant at the time, which shouldn't matter because women can do it all, right? I sat there frustrated and sad thinking they really don't care about me AT ALL. And then a follow-up meeting with yet another manager because then they merged teams, proceeded to tell me how unready I was for a course the company offered and that maybe I should rethink some things.  I called a co-worker/friend and told her I had to get outta here!!!  Which I did.  So when I presented my resignation to the manager, she acted like I stabbed her in the back when she was the one who thwarted my advancement.  Should I have stayed and let them remind me again and again that I was unready? I wonder... This is the same company that when I was trying to go from temp to permanent  having gone to HR to see what else I needed to do was told I was too aggressive and had an attitude. I think it was best to leave there. So ok onto the new company where everything is shiny and new.  I applied for a senior position maybe 2 years later and again was told I wasn't ready EVEN THOUGH they gave it to someone a few years later that I trained; a white male.  I'm not trying to make this a racial post but it is curious how things are afforded to others that are not me when I am more than qualified.  At one point I was just trying to get out of my current department and was applying for EVERYTHING and nothing worked.  I had an interview with someone who literally made me hold in the tears until I got to the bathroom because this fool didn't bother to look at my resume and even though my degree is in marketing said I really didn't know anything about marketing and he wasn't sure why he was even interviewing me.  WHEW the things I have endured.  I gave that job almost 5 years of my life and who knows maybe I should have stayed there but my spirit knew that nothing good was going to come out of that.  But maybe just maybe I should be resigned to be miserable and just make the money?  There are very few people who I know personally who actually love their job.  My mom is 1 of a very few people.  She loved teaching.  She got excited about how she was going to do things differently for a new batch of kids.  She tried to get me excited about map skills, which I was not BUT I can read a map before GPS was even around so there's that!! I'm lacking a passion for doing something, ANYTHING!  And now at 43, I think I might actually have to start over.  It's both irritating and exhilarating.  I recently read an article about a woman who took a coding course I think she was in her 50's.  I don't have a problem with learning something new... So what the heck is my problem?  I have a friend who is taking a typing class because he really can't type well.  I need to do something and it probably needs to be sooner than later.

I've always said I wanted to work at a small to medium sized company yet I have ended up at these large companies where I am literally a  number to them.  How do you even grow in companies like that? I'm contemplating writing to someone who I had a bs interview with last week. I know it's inappropriate, but I already don't have the job so what harm could it do?  Even though I am disappointed in her for not hiring me, I'm more disappointed in myself for not saying that one right thing but who the hell knows what that is?!  Let me click off her page before I do something dumb. In fact, let me get outta LinkedIn for now because it's driving me crazy.

What I need to do I go take a nice shower and call about my car.  Oh yeah I was in an accident a few weeks ago which is a whole other blog I need to write but probably won't because it angers me to think about it.  Then I need to do inventory of my jewelry, yep I sell jewelry.  And then go look at my mom who may or may not be sleep and may or may not want to talk to me today. AND eat!!  I definitely need to eat!!

this feels like summer...

I'm in a group on the Facebook and the question was posed, would you rather give up your phone (meaning cell phone I assumed) or sex for a year.  Without much thought or hesitation I said MY PHONE!!  Now this doesn't mean I am sex crazed, but I know for sure I can stand to be a little less connected.  I remember back when all you had was a house phone and you had to either be home to get (or make) a call or you just missed it.  There was no voice mail, no answering machine, no caller id NONE of that.  Now it's like every ding the phone makes I jump, WE all jump because that is the nature of how things are now.  You have the regular phone on your phone where you can make calls, get voicemail and receive texts, but then in addition you can get emails from ALL of your email accounts, Facebook, twitter, snapchat, instagram, google hangout, tumblr, you can shop on Amazon, QVC, HSN, Wayfair, you can get all the music you need from Spotify, Pandora, SoundCloud, you can also look at all of your bank statements and then if you are bored you can play all the games you want to play because surely you don't have enough occupying your time with all of the above ... AND it's just too much!! When you are by yourself you're on your phone. When you are with friends STILL on your phone because you want to know what other people are saying and doing and/or showing them what you are doing.  No one is living in the moment and enjoying right now because they are too busy trying to capture it to look at in a future that will never come.  I have several friends (so no one person will get offended LOL) that can not bear to step away for any long period of time. So yeah I'll take sex! I've never had anyone check a message in the throws of passion.  I can wait to get home to use the house phone and get on my computer.  I clicked on a video of SZA at AfroPunk New York on YouTube and all you saw were a sea of phones in the air. I didn't even end up watching the video but someone in the comments said PUT THE PHONES DOWN!! Which I hopped on a and had a few comments myself.  There are still a few artists who insist that you put down your phone.  I was there when Lalah Hathaway refused to keep going until someone put their phone down.  It's just such a distraction and I think we need a lil apocalypse so we can get back to enjoying each other.  There was a TV show a few years back called Revolution, electricity stopped and people had to move on and figure out the best way to live their lives without it.  The show was rather interesting I mean it got a little ridiculous as most sci-fi show tend to get after a while but I really loved the premise.  I just goggled it, it only had 2 seasons, but they were long ass seasons. Anyway I digress as I tend to do... Give me all the secks!!!

As summer is surely coming to a close I have almost completed (well like 95%) one of my summer project which was to paint all the metal outside of my house.  I got the front and back railing, the front lamp post (which I still don't think has electricity to it and MAYBE it is a flag pole after all??), and the back swing set which i will use to hang pretty stuff I get from QVC from.  I still need to do the flower bed or maybe it was a bird bath, and the cellar door.  I might go back to Ace and get a fun color because I did all of the above in flat black, which I coulda sworn I got glossy black, but it is way to late for me to go back now.  It looks good!!  And it makes me feel proud to be a home owner. My creepy neighbor who's work hours I do not want to learn has seen me in the front and in the back painting.  He comes over and chats, asks about my mom and it's all good.  The one time though he comes over and says 'Why didn't you have me paint all of this?' And I look at him like WHET?!?!  Umm... Cause I can paint!  most of the stuff around here I can do.  The he says 'Well you know I do houses and stuff so you should get me to help you'. UHHH NO!!!  This is the one who's wife JUST started speaking to me.  I mean most of my neighbors it's just a hi/bye kinda thing.  Every once in a while they come over and chat for a minute, but nothing heavy duty. When he 1st moved in he wanted to mow my lawn, he saw I was struggling and I appreciated the offer but NO!  At that point I wasn't sure if the woman was the girlfriend or wife or WHAT, so yeah, NO... NOW he wants my lawn guy to mow his lawn and my lawn dude was like NO!  I don't think he cares for him.  My lawn dude is retired and does what he wants.  So back to the convo we were having after he's telling me how he can do all this stuff that I didn't ask him to do.  So then he says' Oh you one of those independent women?' And I stop what I'm doing and say WELL YES I AM!! Now here's thing, I am independent out of necessity. I don't have a man or husband and sure, I could pay someone to do whatever needs to get done, but I don't have any extra money for that, and I actually enjoy doing the things I can do around MY house.  It was said as an insult like HOW DARE YOU BE INDEPENDENT!!!  I have a plan for the house this year and it was painting the metal, and the concrete and washing the front porch (with the cleaner I got on the HSN LOL). What it didn't include was answering to some man that pays not one single bill in this house and who is way to uncute to offer anything else to me.  So yeah, I'm independent!!  I know what I need to do and when I need to do it.  I've been stock piling supplies since the beginning of summer so nope don't ask about the shed because that wasn't in the plan for this year and no I don't want your extra random paint you have from whatever job you were on.  I'm good!  I try to be nice but I really want to say just leave me alone!! So I still have a few more things to do and hopefully they will get done before it gets too cold.

As a bartender I work at a club in Baltimore and so many events have soooo many white men!  It just bothers me so much.  Like you guys couldn't have 1 diversity hire?  This event was a real estate company and the one young lady who was white was an intern, so she was getting drinks for the men.  There was a woman who was 'other', she wasn't black and I couldn't get a good enough look at her to figure out what she was, but I think she was the admin.  there was this other event where the man was quite proud of his company only doing business by word of mouth.  And that is the big problem.  You deal with people you know who usually look like you so you don't even think to include folks who don't look like you which is why it's so hard for black films to get green lit in and when they do they hold the weight of the entire black community on them because they just HAVE to do well or else nothing else will get green lit!  I just scoured NBC and CBS to see what new shows are on.  So far Marlon is the only full 'black' show but they also just canceled Carmichael on NBC so is that a true win? ABC has the most diverse show thanks to Shonda.  I didn't mean to get into entertainment but you can see it better there.  I worked in an office in downtown Baltimore where the only black folks were admins or custodial and there were like 2 in upper management, but that place didn't even interview me even though they told me to apply so I knew there was some fracken nackle going on there!! 

I got up to go eat and completely lost my train of thought!!