how can I give you what you can't accept?

I have been beating myself up about sleeping in and doing nothing although I really enjoy sleeping in and doing nothing! But it's hard to justify when I have so much shit to do, for me, for my business, for my mother.  Just stuff!! I haven't completely allowed myself to enjoy being off and I need to just chill out! I don't get to sleep in on the weekends and I need to enjoy it during the week for now.  There will come a time in the near future that I will have to get my ample brown booty up at the crack or before the crack of dawn! SO yeah and another thing I need to do is stop beating myself up for spending money.  I know how much is in my account at any given minute and it's ok.  I know I will need to go on a spending fast sooner than later but sometimes over medium eggs taste better when a restaurant makes it.

For some time now my going to the supermarket revolves around bananas! YES BANANAS!!! It is ridiculous saying it out loud because it is. the roommate cannot be without bananas.  this is my life!! That's it.

My goal is to find the perfect library to do my 'work'.  I started with the one near my house which is the Woodlawn Branch.  This one was good because it had a quiet room  and I could put my headphones on and not worry about the little kids.  The next day I went to Catonsville branch also very good, actually better because the quiet room is in the basement and it is not freezing OH and the table/desk is really big and facing the wall.  Day 3 I go to Pikesville Branch. I knew that there were going to be a lot of kids and geriatrics here (its actually a senior center connected to the library). Back when I worked for the Census in 2010 (one of my 50eleven jobs LOL) this was a meeting place for us.  It is a busy library but I actually thought it was bigger than it is.  SO the way they have it set up there are 2 desks over in the corner which of course were full and then like 12 desk facing each other. There were some chairs in an aisle which in retrospect I should have sat there.   Instead I picked the desk on the corner and no one was facing me. I feel like if I point out the people's race it would be a bit much.  Just know that Pikesville has a very large Jewish community and I'll leave it right there.  I don't think men realize how nasty they can be.  I mean DUDE I can see you picking your nose and I need to not think about you placing any of the boggers anywhere that I may have to touch.  AND then, can't you just be slick about pulling the wedgie out of your behind? the same nose picker got up to use his phone AT THE LIBRARY (no judgement... I just did the same thing) and picked his butt for longer than I care to admit I was watching. LOL Then I'm sitting there only really able to see out of my right eye and getting distracted by EVERYTHING and then a guy looks at me, looks at the girls and decides he is going to sit in front of me.  SO ok whatever then he opens his tablet and starts doing sign language with the person I guess on the screen.  But then it got ultra animated and I'm sitting there like REALLY SIR?!? My goal to is to stay until at least 3pm or when I get hungry whichever comes first. Then a little old guy sits next to me and he had a few smells.  It was like old man smell mixed with something that was just not good. I just said NOPE and started packing it up.  Plus there was an older man who was staring me down and I couldn't decide if I was flattered or creeped out cause back in his day he probably coulda got it.  The library has such an assortment of people.  I could sit here and people watch all day!! SO I am back at the Catonsville branch  my knees are a little chilly and maybe going to get French toast prior to coming here was NOT a good idea cause I really just need a nap and I found the information I needed to research but it's Friday and my attention span is like that of a flea.  This woman has her stuff posted up at on of these desks and keeps coming back and forth since I've been here.  I really want to ask her what the hell she is doing.  I think she went to pray for a while but she hasn't been sitting there long enough to do much of anything.  I am hella sleepy today.

I can't see out of my left eye because I have uveitis which is inflammation of the uvea.  I've been using 2 drops, one is a steroid and the other dilates my eye.  I'ma go get a patch for my left eye.  My right eye has been doing ALL the work.  I've been assured that this I normal and it will get better  when I stop using the drops but it is really f'd up right now. Thankfully I am not getting headaches it's just annoying.

ok its now after 3 and I think I am calling it a day...

feels just like a weight has lifted... how can I repay you?

Last week was one of those weeks... Wanna hear it? Here it go.  So June 30th was my last day at my job which really not a bad thing 1 cause I'm a contractor and these things happen and 2 it was time for this particular project to be over.  Friday I had my HVAC dude come to see what the issue was.  He told me that it was OUT and that I needed a whole new ac unit.  I'm like ummm well ok how much we talking. He gave me the price and I'm quite positive I did a blank stare blink for a few minutes trying to decide is he talking AMERICAN money or Trinidadian currency?!?!  He is from Trinidad and his accent is pretty thick so I'm sure he didn't just say what I thought he said. He says it again and I'm like yeah no... I'll just have to be fine with fans this summer.  He attempts to give me a payment plan, but I'm like nooooo I just really can't do that right now but I will call you if something changes.  I put it on the Facebook and my one friend gives me the bright idea to do window units.  WHY had I not thought of that?!?!  So I go on the Amazon and get a mini unit for the roommate and research portable units for me since my windows upstairs go side to side instead of up and down.   My weekend was pretty normal and cool and then Monday was 4th of July.  I don't usually have a caregiver for my mom during the day on holidays because it costs to much and I can usually handle it.  So that day I did what I needed to do for her and... wait did I wash my ass?? maybe I did and then put on clean pj's.  Tuesday it was cool in the morning so I decided to get up pull everything out of my closet and commence to organizing.  The thing with me and my bright ideas is my follow thru sucks!  I pulled out and the dresser drawer I've had since my college days.  I've gotten my money worth and then some, but I still had to convince myself that it was ok to throw it away.  I have hoarding tendencies.  What I was going to do was save the drawers, put casters on them (a little trick I found on Pinterest) and stick them under my bed.  I had to have another talk with myself and tell myself to just throw it away.  I did start to take of the drawer pulls (the brass ones) for another project milling around in my head but again.... I threw those away too (ok I'm lying, 2 are sitting on my living room floor even as I type, but I intend on throwing them away). Wednesday I woke up and then got back in the bed.  It was hot and my cycle decided that my body shouldn't do nothing that day so I didn't.  Later that day the ac unit for my mom came.  The little caregiver who came that day (not my usual person) was so miserable.  OH this is the one who came in my house one day and was like WE NEED THE AIR CONDITIONING!  It was actually a beautiful day that day so I was like the ac is not working so just move slowly and turn on the fan.  This particular day it was hot and she said to me well why don't you just get it fixed.  NOW SEE... Miss lady you don't know what is going on in my pockets further more you work in a variety of places, sometimes they are hot sometimes they are too cool, but do not ever think it is ok to tell me how to run 1928.  That's what you won't do! I fiddled around with the little ac unit, read the directions and got it in the window and it actually was feeling (and still does) pretty good in there.  My mom sweats a lot and gets grumpy she needs the air even though she is from the great state of Mississippi and is a summer baby. Thursday I decided it was time to do something about the heat in MY room.  I had been researching the portable units so I knew what I needed and something told me to go to Big Lots first.  I went there and asked the little girl who was sweeping if they had ac units.  She said no ma'am we don't carry them at all.  And then I stood there and did a quick do I stay and see what they have or do I just push on to Lowe's.  I stayed and I'm so glad I did. I saw a little fabric dresser thing and then saw the whole back-to school section.  They make so much stuff for back to school.  I don't remember having so many options back in the day but this time of year I love because there are organization options that I can use in my house.  So I see the one I want and then ask if they have any more in the back, well they have to call DJ.  Now DJ was a nice looking dude!  I was like hey DJ!!  LOL  and then this fool says well can you carry it yourself to your car? I was a rectangle box and honestly I needed to see if I could carry it. I thought for a second if I was going to play damsel in distress but then I was like NOPE I got this grabbed my box and head for the car.  Next stop was Lowes.  They only had one of the portable units all the way at the top and I didn't want them to have to pull it down only for me to be like nah I'm good.  I then went to Home Depot.  They had a much better selection but the one I wanted was a little cheaper online but it would have taken another week for it to be delivered and I was hot NOW! I was in the aisle trying to do some comparison and the Asian guy I saw at the front who was asking and understanding the sales guy alla sudden didn't speak English.  All I asked him was do you know if HH Greg sells ac units and he gave me the I speak no English look.  Then, cause I'm a little pissed cause I just heard your ass speak English and a little grumpy from the heat, I say so did you hear me or do you just not speak English now? He say no No... So i'm like yeah ok you conveniently don't understand me WHATEVER!!  Then I leave and go up to HH Greg.  Now **loud sigh** customer service is so important to me, it always has been, probably always will be.  I am THE ONLIEST person in the store I am switching out of my shades to my regular glasses, 3 people are standing at the counter/register thing and I am like are these mufukkas really gonna ignore me?!?!? So I finally get the girls attention and say are their other ac units and she points me to there sorry display.  I am like WELL this won't do.  I turn down the speaker behind me so I can think, I go and sit on the couch and finish watching the Roc episode; laughed a little and headed to the Walmart.  I get to Walmart, I'm hungry and decide to get a little something at the McDonald's.  I get to the register, a man in a wheelchair is fussing at the cashier.  He needs for her to open the several packets of sugar he has in his hand for the coffee he just bought.  I am pleading with her to help him and she's like he's fine what do you want.  I got the worst mcdouble known to man, but the fries were hot so it's all about give and take. Now I am ready to shop!  I'm not sure why I thought this Walmart would have what I need because it so didn't and then as I'm about to leave I say to myself Are you really leaving Walmart without buying ANYTHING?!?! I got a few things that totaled 12 bucks and then had to head to my eye appointment.  Every once in a while I have pain in my eye and it looks blood shot for no good reason. Sometimes it clears up but this time I had to use a steroid drop to clear it up, even though my eye right now is still a little blurry.  After the appt I head to the home depot in Randallstown to get my unit.  The little boy with the bad wrist get's it down and I pay for it, the little cash register boy gets it in the car and I take it home.  I was in full She-Ra mode thinking I can do this!!! And I did.  I got it in the house, read the directions, got it up the steps and got it working. Friday I called the pharmacist to make sure the drops would be there and he was like nope it's not here.  I call the eye place, they assure me they will resend and say check back at the end of the day.  Now something deep within the pits of my soul I knew I needed to go get a paper version of the prescription right then, but I went on with my day.  4 o'clock rolls around I call the pharmacy still nothing.   I call and leave more messages and then hop myself in the car and go to the eye place cause it is not far from my house.  No one is at the front because they close in 15 minutes.  I am like I need a paper version NOW!!!  The tech come and gets my info and gets me the prescription.  As I am getting this a woman comes in and is dropping off paperwork for one of the doctors.  She hears me coming and hold the elevator and I instantly start fussing about how frustrating this place is.  She said every time I come here it's frustrating but you just have to let it go!  And I stop and just LET IT GO!!  I almost was in tears because I know I can get worked up about the dumbest stuff. I had what I needed so why continue to fuss?  Sometimes you need people to help you get over stuff you can't get over by yourself.  I am a firm believer in people coming into your life for a reason.  Saturday (Well maybe that's Sunday) I was being grown and left my house at midnight to go party with a few Caribbean folks.  I got in just as the sun was rising only to have to get up and deal with my mom Sunday morning.  I then went to a cookout for a girlfriend who's son just graduated from High School.  Thankfully I had made the sangria the day before because I was already working from about 2 hours of sleep.  I helped get the cookout situated (what would she have done without me? LOL), ate a little, drank a little, and then carried my tired butt home!! 
That was it... well mostly it ;)