daydreamin and I'm thinking of you...

Today my father would have been 76.  My sister posts this pic of him and my nephew when he was a baby.  I have an even more ridiculous pic of when I was a baby and my dad is holding my arm cause I was a wobbly little sucker!!  I honestly don't remember celebrating his birthday as a kid.  I guess I was consumed with other kids and getting cake and birthday parties and he was old!  Well to a 8 years old 40 IS old LOL.  Now at 43 not so much.  There probably was a home made cake of some sort.  My brother liked German chocolate and banana pudding, so my mom would make those every so often.  But what was my dad's favorite?  I just liked (and still do) regular vanilla cake with butter cream, maybe chocolate and vanilla ice cream. When he got sick, well the first time, he was on prednisone and he craved sweets in general so there was always something in the house even stuff like orange juice which I couldn't drink, that was for my dad.  To this day I drink large glasses of it.  And then when he got sick the last time, he was getting radiation and his taste buds were gone and all he wanted was a Big Buford from Rally's.  My grandmother (well both of them actually) always had sweets in the house too; ice cream, candy, cookies, cake, pie... JUNK!! But I don't know what his favorite was.  Maybe that's a think that happens when you get older is crave sweets, because I swear my mother never liked them all that much but now it's like punishment if she can't get a cookie or little piece of candy.  I know her favorites, but I'm a little sad I don't know his. Here's what I do remember, he like spicy mustard on his sandwiches, he like a whole lot of salt and pepper on his boiled eggs,  he like pistachio nuts, he liked the fish sandwiches from that place on Frankstown which I'm positive is gone, and he didn't say sandwich he said sammiches and he made everything fun for me as a kid... that's what I remember.  SO I guess it's ok that I don't remember his favorite dessert.

I've been blogging a lot lately cause I just have so much going on in my head that this is a good release.  Other releases are good to, but this is the easiest. 

Every now and then I try to do a clean up of food.  I buy so much and then it sits and spoils or expires, and that is hardly a cost effective (which has been my new saying as of late) way to do anything.  I just threw out a bag of spinach that was supposed to be for making green smoothies that I obviously never got around to making.  I have a freezer full and cans of everything so I think some soup is in the cards and maybe a regular smoothie too.

Ok so I was just staring at my screen and then I said to myself CHICK YOU GOT SHIT TO DO!!!! and that was probably LBJ's way of telling me to stop day dreaming...

in a reflective mood...

I have been in stalker mode longer than I care to admit. Today on a friends post someone posted something and I was like I KNOW THIS DUDE!!  SO off to his page I went.  If there is nothing else you need to know about me, remembering a face is one of them.  I can pick whomever out of a lineup. Both a gift and a curse.  I asked the guy if he was who he said he was but he said no... WELL actually he said he never smoked, because the guy I remembered used to smoke cigars.  So he really only 1/2 answered the question but I didn't press.  And then I went on a ex's page and time has not been on his side.  His is the kind of attraction that if we made it I wouldn't see all the flaws that I see now cause I know what I was attracted to then, and it is totally gone now.  It's not even just physical, but a lack of drive and motivation and bad decisions over the years.  Then there is this one woman who has the MOST adorable baby.  He was all cheeks! She's a friend of a friend so I probably will tell her of my vice at looking at people's pages.  And then there was this one guy, I honestly don't even remember how I got to his pic,  He had a full sleeve and even though I'm not a fan I was like OH DAMN... HE'S KINDA CUTE!!!

Family Dollar had whole bags of one flavor gummi bears.  I got the watermelon because I think that was the one I liked.  I knew it wasn't cherry, but it might also be green apple.  I probably should have gotten both.

Right now I want a drink. WE all know I have likka in the house, but I really don't know what I want.  Actually what I don't have is white wine and vodka.  So I may go for the red wine, because if I drink gin I might sin!!  LOL

Some men can be so freaking clueless, like I have to sky write and say HEY I LIKE YOU!!!  On Black-ish last week Zoe's friend was trying so hard to flirt with Junior but he was missing ALL of the signs.  The little brother had to help him out!!  OR maybe they just don't like me back so maybe its me that's missing the signs.  What I do know is at 43 I have such a low tolerance for games.  Either we doing this (whatever the hell THIS is) or leave me alone!!  I genuinely got other shit to do and if you don't fit into the equation it's truly ok!  I said I wasn't accepting application until the spring anyways, so maybe I need to work on myself and do a little more self evaluation OH yeah that is what I wanted to talk about.  SO everybody doesn't take a minute to reflect on things.  And it occurred to me that a lot of people think what they are doing is both ok and things will just be fine.  I am a stop and think kinda person.  Even when I do things unexpectedly I take a moment to reflect on how my life is better or worse.  It bugs me when I think people are not as thoughtful as me. 

Selfish people don't realize how selfish they are because they are only thinking of themselves.  Another thing that bugs me...


I remember random stuff about just about everyone I know. 

A couple of blogs ago, the title was 'random musings of a premenopausal drama queen'. I still chuckle when I see it written.  But what I'm not chuckling about is the night sweat that are happening more and more. And the cycle that is just like 'bitch I'll come on whenever I feel like it!'. Which you know doesn't really work for me.  I mean but is this IT!?!?!  I remember so vividly as a kid my mother would just break into a sweat.  And I'm not talking cute little moisture on her upper lip, I'm talking water was coming from her pits, her face, and probably her legs.  She would be like GET ME PAPER TOWEL NOW!!!  And I did!  I would run around church getting her paper towel. Or we'd be at Giant Eagle and she would open a package of paper towel OR stand in the cold food section until she got it under control, which was not always a quick thing.  Or if we were in the car, she would drive fast so that the wind could dry up the sweat, at least that was the theory, it never worked. She had several pairs of dress shields from Sears (LOL) so that her clothes wouldn't be ruined.  SO I knew it was coming.  I knew.  I know! But I am still not prepared. It is not such a taboo subject as it was back in the day so I know I can talk to people who have or are going through it now.  My sister's bouts were not as bad, but I remember her stripping and sitting in front of a fan even in the winter because she just got too hot! Yeah I knew it was coming.  But this signals an ending.  Once this happens the factory is closed FOR REAL!!  It still has options of being open but not for long.  And honestly I feel a few different kinds of ways.  On the one hand I'm like ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  All these years of cramps and periods and headaches and emotional rollercoastering and no kid!?!?!?  And then on the other hand I'm like whew I really dodged a bullet here!  Cause I can barely take care of my damn self. Sometimes Paisley's water bowl is bone dry and I'm like oh yeah... she does need water.  SO I question what type of mother I would have been.  And then on yet another hand I'm wondering was this really the hand that I was dealt?  I always think there is some alternate universe where my life is just so different, not necessarily better, but different.  So I don't know.

my so called life!

so... my general energy level (and attitude) is much higher and better.  I just made a decision that was both extremely difficult but necessary and needed for my health both mental and physical.  It's bad when the only excuse you have to give is 'I just couldn't get it together'.  I found myself saying that more often than I care to admit.  But it was the truth!!  I really REALLY could not get it together!  The decision was to put my mother into an assisted living facility.  It still has such a negative connotation and for a minute I thought I was going to have to fly to Florida to comfort my aunt (my mother's older sister) because I went and put her little sister in a 'home'.  For all intents and purposes it is a home but I hope the stigma lessens a bit.  As a caregiver I was slowly but surely killing myself.  I had no life (I still kinda don't but I'm getting back to me).  My whole world revolved around making sure my mother was/is ok.  I'm not sure what else I could have done differently.  So now after however many years I get to be the daughter again and let other take charge of her care.  Now don't get me wrong I was about to drop kick the med tech and cna this past Friday.  What I was doing by myself, it takes 2 or 3 and I look at them like REALLY y'all?!?!  But with a few well placed probably micro managing notes and me being vocal to the nurse manger I think all will be ok.

And onto this thing called life.  1 thing I enjoy doing since it's just me and the cat in the house is going to the kitchen with just a tee shirt on!  I joked that I have been walking around the house nekkid but not really because... well winter! And speaking of nekkid... I got a few unsolicited requests to either show MY nekkidness OR to view their nekkidness and it is really creepy!  They were requests from men I didn't even know, well not that it makes it better if I knew them because after I made the post several men I did know wanted to know if I did in fact like NEKKID pics.  1 I expected but another I was like REALLY DUDE?!?!?  so... there's that LOL

I'm about to be in straight hustle mode.  I probably already am... I sell jewelry, I bartend, I _______!