I mean, do we really need a year in review? This year has been a shit show for so many reasons so why even review it? I'm sitting here at my desk with new (well not new... but more like clean!) pj's and freshly twisted hair, and I'm so thankful that I made it this far! I'm not even really in a bad space, I mean, true, I am a little sad right now but that could probably be chalked up to regular winter blues. It's a bright sunshiny day, but it's cold af. A friend wanted to meet up to walk outside and I got cold just thinking about it LOL. Do I start off with the good, the bad, or the ugly?!?!? Ehhh... maybe I'll go in that order. The good is that I have been healthy and maintained my life, which is HUGE because, so many things could have gone wrong at so many different points. I've worked for a total of maybe 5 months (3 1/2 months full time and 3 months part time which amounts to about a month) this year and not lost my car or house, I never missed a meal or skipped a beat (well maybe a few beats were skipped)! The inevitability of losing my job was written on the walls long before Covid reared it's ugly head. The general restructuring of my department moving everything back to the corporate office in late 2019 and them assigning me more work/duties with no more money was a clear sign to me. The company I worked for almost relishes when people fail. It sounds a bit odd, but I've seen it more times than I care to admit. They legit set you up for failure and then act dumb when you do. But I'm a pretty good employee, scratch that I am a STELLAR employee, so the bottom line is, I get shit done! Way to pat myself on the back cause who the hell else will. Anyway, I've been on a working more with less for a while and I was thinking through my exit strategy that I planned on implementing around the summer. Late February early March was when it was finally realized that this lil virus wasn't going anywhere. There were hiring freezes, people I had extended job offers to, had to be rescinded, it was the pits. Although funny enough, the people who made way more than I did never got affected nearly as much as me or the minimum wage folks, cause a 10% pay cut on 6 figure salary... but I digress. March 17, I was escorted into an office where 3 people had to let me know I was being 'furloughed'; not really let go or fired, but furloughed. It's funny to me now like WHY did I need 3 people to deliver this news to me?? Did they think I was gonna act a fool? Also, even though I was in the Baltimore office, I was a corporate employee. Anyway, I was told to not turn in my keys or phone because this was temporary and I'd be back in no time. In my mind I really thought I'd be back by June. August the latest. But people kept getting sick and dying and no end was in sight to this pandemic. I think it occurred to me around June that I was not ever going back and I was really okay with that. Side note, I still have my keys and phone. If I wanted to, I could rob them blind because there are no alarms nor cameras AND they would always forget to lock the back door. That's just not my nature, BUT... I COULD!!! just saying. So I quarantined. I bought toilet paper and paper towel like everyone else. I bought groceries and liquor to ride out this impending apocalypse like everyone else and just chilled. I filed for unemployment and got the extra money so I was good! My initial goal was to keep the same routine; my alarm went off at 5:55 and I hit the snooze and then attempted to get out of the bed. That keeping the same routine thing failed miserably so the next goal was just to get out of bed and put on a bra and clothes. This one I have kept up. Early on everyone who had not lost their job felt the need to tell me what they would do if they had. Like 'I wouldn't get outta bed' or 'I would just lounge around all day' or '__________ fill in the blank of whatever'. And I gotta tell you, lounging around all day gets boring. I needed some type of purpose. So I starting posing jewelry everyday; this led to some nice sales. I also started cleaning up my basement which, when would I ever get this time again? It is mostly cleaned up, I still have a ways to go but I have thrown out and donated a lot of things so this definitely falls under good. I started a garden! The tomatoes didn't really produce like I wanted but the cucumber kept giving and giving... all in all it worked out. I did a lot of sitting in my back yard enjoying nature and wine. I got my porch redone (this falls into the bad and ugly category as well). I was living my best life!! Around late August I decided it was time to get back out in the work force; and after longer than usual, I finally got a part time job yay ; /
Time for the bad... Everything got cancelled!! I really did not anticipate not being able to do nothing! My sister and I were in the process of planning our biennial family reunion. We went to the hotel to do a tour and plan out the logistics; it was looking great. I made the announcement that everything was still on, only to have to recant that statement about a week later. I felt so stupid because I was the main one pushing for us to keep it moving even when there were so many signs that pointed to everything being shut down. That was that! Then there was the case of my House Music cruise that I just new I would be able to go on. Week by week Royal Caribbean had a new update, as well as the organizers of the event kept trying to keep hope alive. It takes many hours, weeks, months to plan these types of events which I know all too well, but when I got cancelled for good, RUN ME MY MONEY!!! The cruise was in April, I got my refund in June. Now this doesn't sound that bad in retrospect, but when you are checking your account every other day, 2 months is like a lifetime. And Southwest didn't give NO money back, they extended the time to use the credit for 2 years. Honestly though, I have no idea where and when I'm going to use it. Then there was loss. I lost 2 uncles this summer. One who had been suffering from dementia for about as long if not longer than my mother. He was my father's first cousin so technically not my uncle, but that's all I knew him as. He hadn't been doing well for quite some time, but you still don't expect folks to die. I mean you do, but I still get caught off guard when they do. He was the one who had all the cool gadgets (like a VCR LOL). He tinkered with stuff and had the cool basement hideaway which I would love to go to after Sunday school with my cousin. This funereal sent us to Pittsburgh for the weekend. It's always good to see family but not really under those circumstances. My other uncle was starting to suffer from dementia as well. His decline, even though it had been years, seemed to be quick. Even though I was closer to him I'm sort of at a loss for what to say here. He was a man that I know no matter what had my back. I was talking about this the other day to my cousin... if my dad couldn't figure it out (whatever IT was), he could. He was part of my village that protected us all. This loss was pretty profound for me and I (still) feel horrible that I wasn't able to be there for my cousin and aunt when I think they needed me most because of this damn pandemic. They live in Florida and if you only watch a little bit of news, you know this was a hot spot for a while. He was the family photographer, someone to just look up to, and a pillar in the community. It's a little surreal. Always remember, never forget!
The ugly... Wearing these face masks and glasses which means I can never see because they keep getting fogged up!! Actually... what's ugly is the national response to this pandemic. Front line workers dying because they didn't have proper gear. Black and brown people dying at a disproportionate rate. This virus that is not going away even though they have a vaccine, I'm just not going to be one of those that take it, so if that means I have to stay inside a little longer, then I will.
Thinking about this year has just been A LOT!! There are a few memes going around that say 2020 has been 5 years long. More good is I lost about 40 pounds!! I'm rounding up even though the holidays have wreaked havoc on my loss. Thanksgiving wasn't so bad, but Christmas... WHOOO BABY!!! The amount of Christmas cookies, girl scout cookies, chocolate, heavy cream, BUTTER, rich food, pork, beef, it's too cold to go for a walk and when it gets dark I still don't wanna exercise in the house... these are all my excuses. I'm doing WW and we talked about reset yesterday (which coincidentally has been the theme for the past few weeks at church (well virtual church)) and how we need to stop waiting for the first of the year to do a reset. Actually we can do a reset everyday if need be, I just know I'm not throwing any of these cookies away, so I planned for my reset to be Monday. I bought a planner for 2021 and the goal is to start structuring my days better. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly that means. I'm in a very reflective mode right now and a little emotional. I feel like there is more but this is more than I have typed for this blog in a forever while!! You're welcome : D
