random blog #11374

I really need to vent but I think if I say everything I need to get off my chest I might start crying.  Actually there is no guarantee that I won’t be sitting here crying messing up my cute make-up today.  But here goes… First I really am questioning my choices in the men I keep trying to be with.  Nothing is wrong with them (well that’s not true but, like you know whatever) the ones here lately just don’t seem to be right for me AT ALL!!  And then I look at folks and wonder if I made a big mistake somewhere along the way.  And then I want to be like Peggy Sue got married (that was a movie) and go back in time and if time really is relative, maybe there is an alternate universe that I made the right ok maybe not right but OTHER decisions and living a different life.  Who knows? I just need for someone to take my needs into consideration.  Like ask me how I’m doing and feeling and what I want!  I don’t live my life on a whim.  I plan EVERYTHING so planning shit by ear doesn’t work for me.  It just doesn’t.  Nor am I going to wait for you to have a few minutes to give me attention NOR am I going to be all excited because you finally thought about me.  So yeah I might forever single and I am so ok with that. THEN there’s all this death.  I know death is a part of life… it’s gonna happen.  But it feels like so many people are just leaving this earth.  A Soror who I didn’t even realize was a sick as she was when I saw her back in December passed away this morning.  She was truly one of those people that I know my life is better for having known her. I always gravitated toward her.  She was a good spirit.  For the most part I am not a hugger but I always gave her a hug and I will truly miss that.  And then there was one of my friend’s mom who suddenly passed away a few Saturday’s ago.  Things had to be rearranged for her viewing because of the blizzard we had.  She was the last of a class of women who when you went into her house, she asked if you wanted a plate... Because she cooked and had food waiting!  I mean women today just don’t have food on the ready at all times.  I mean I DO cause I have a roommate that needs to eat, but I digress.  I had been thinking about her because her house was not far from mine and is on the way to my job. But we are not really in a drop in kinda era.  These days we have to call, text, or tweet if you want to come by. I feel bad that I just didn’t stop by and say hey! SO I’m feeling sad and almost want to hold my breath cause there has been so much bad news.

I really need to stop assuming people have my best interest LOL

What I am doing for myself this fine Valentine weekend is giving myself a staycation. I don’t relax when I am home because something always needs to get done, and then I don’t do it so feel stress about not doing it and never truly relax or just go pour a glass of wine and ignore whatever the thing is.  SO I’m going to a hotel!  I’m just going to enjoy not having to worry about anything AND I’m getting room service and not doing a damn thing.  I probably need to work it into my schedule to do it quarterly and just take time for me. 

What you won’t do is ask me a question and then tell me I’m wrong when you are the one that needs the information from ME!!  I am so sick of people doing that to me.  I’m not sure how I come across to folks.  I mean do I come across as vapid? It’s ok for me to know stuff it doesn’t take anything from you if I know what I know, and you know what you know!

I am so sleepy right now… I need a nap and I need it NOW!!

It’s Friday and I’m off Monday.  Life is good!!!

can't run from myself, there's nowhere to hide

I got straight emo when the Whitney Houston video I have nothing came on this morning... I don't know why today but this title is paying homage to her! 

There is a new guy that is on a team in cube nation and he is just so happy to have a job!  You ever see one of those people?!?  He is maybe mid 40’s (or older or younger I can never tell LOL) and he is just HAPPY!!  People can get very jaded and cynical and it is refreshing (even though he looks a little crazy some days) to see people who are happy to be right where they are. 

I have a lil cold right now and I’m a little pissed because I got my flu shot and I feel as though I should not get sick EVER!! It’s not that I feel bad, but my sinuses decided that they just gonna close! My right nostril has been closed since Monday.  I mean I can breathe some of the time.  I’m sitting here at work with my humidifier with eucalyptus on, my tissue (2 kinds with and without lotion), hand sanitizer, and OF COURSE Vaseline.  OH and my mirror so that I can check my nose often to make sure no snot is running down my face and that a boogie is not just hanging out.  I probably need to go get some more drugs.  AND I probably should have stayed home.  I’m not that strapped for cash but home is not really a resting place. My mother demands so much of my time with not a care… wait that’s not fair she has dementia so it’s not that she doesn’t care, but she doesn’t remember that other people have needs.  Last night I said I am going to make myself some tea. She decided she needed some tea also.  But tea for her means it has to have brown sugar and only filled ½ up and it needs an ice cube because I have to hold it so she can sip it through a straw.  Meanwhile I just want to sip on my tea.  Then she needs a piece of candy.  She has already had several cookies and her hands show it because they are dirty and so I need to clean them but she is a HUGE child so touching her hand means she has to flinch and yell out YOU HURT MY HAND!! And I just say fuck it and go lay on the couch.  She then realizes she didn’t get her candy and calls me back in the room.  And I indulge her because what is one more piece of candy gonna hurt? I know I was in a horrible mood yesterday.  I had to bite my tongue more often than usual when I talked to a few people because I was not feeling well.  But today I feel a little better so we’ll see how today goes.

I was listening to a podcast  ‘Friend Zone’ and they were talking about a version of the Meyers Briggs personality test that you can go online and get your information for free.  I went to the website www.16personalities.com and did the test.  My personality name is Campaigner and my letters (?) are ENFP –A which I know means something specific but I didn’t see what it was.  It’s a test that you answer several questions that are able to dictate your personality.  I thought it was pretty cool and accurate.  I would like for my friends to do it so we can see who’s who and what’s what.

I just bought some Allegra or at least the CVS brand and I hope this helps the dry me up and for me to stop sneezing.  I also bought more Vaseline or at least CVS brand (wow I was being cheap today LOL) because I need the moisture!!!

A girlfriend of mine who shares the same birthday as me celebrated her birthday ALL month.  Not because she was turning a particular age that’s just what she wanted to do! One of her events was a Dance Palooza or a Zumba party.  Now 2 years ago I could hang with the best of them.  I was in better shape even though I was about the same size.  But this Saturday my body was like bitch please!!!  It was so stiff.  I knew I was gonna need several advil after.  I had a great time and it was fun but I have got to get my body together.  And it’s not even a vanity thing because, let’s face it, there will always be a dude who likes the thick ones, but it is a heart thing.  I am taking high blood pressure meds and I need to get off.  And we all know I’m an infomercial junkie and if you didn’t NOW you know.  Yep I bought the Shaun T’s new video Cize!  Let’s forget that I already have Hip Hop Abs, T25, 10 minute trainer, Turbo Jam, The Firm Express and a few more but I needed the newest thing so I got it.  BTW... I love Amazon Prime! You just order and the shit comes right to your house in 2 days!! I haven’t tried out the Prime Now but I hear you can order ice cream and it comes good and still frozen within the hour. Not that you want ice cream in this weather but hey it’s an option. Ok back to celebrating random birthdays… it think we all should do it more often. Life is way too short and you never know.  A soror of mine had a 74^th birthday for her mom because WHY not?!?!  I don’t think you should wait for a significant age to celebrate.  DO it now!

WHY DON’T I HAVE POCKETS!!! Why do you designers make women’s pants without freaking pockets?!  I’m headed to a meeting and I need to stick a few tissues in my non-existent pockets. DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!

And I’m sipping on tea.  It’s of some herbal variety not real all that good but hopefully it’ll push this bug outta me.  Why do I need to know who played the Sheila Dixon on the Wire character right this second.  Lawd I know why but that explanation will be way too long… SO yeah the same chick that is now on Chicago Med AND Hitch.   My brain is a beautiful thing!!

42 IS the answer!

My resolution for this year or maybe not so much resolution as this is how I want to live my life is I want to be able to hear what people are saying.  Sometimes I feel like my breath is just wasted on folks who only see things one way and not even consider that there is another option.  That to me is pretty limited and since I can’t change how others do things, I can change how I do things in my life. 

When I go to church… well you know I’m not always a heathen just most of the time… I pray that I get a fresh new meaning from the words.  Being a church kid having grown up in the church and conventions sometimes the same old scripture is just rehashed over again and again.  This past Christmas season I didn’t get much YES we know the Lord got Mary preggers!!  YES we know Joseph went on ahead and married her anyway cause all the angel told him it was alright!  There was more but I forgot!!

 

There is something very calming about the Bing picture of the day.  I don’t know what it is but it usually makes me smile!

 

It is the day before my birthday and I am feeling pretty good!  I think I have done a good amount of self-reflection and me and myself are ok!  This is good because sometime I feel out of whack.  42 is the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life so who really cares what the question is!?!?!  That is a total nerd thing and as I have realized I live in a nerd bubble that many folks do not reside.  If you care it is from ‘The Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy’ a movie that came out in 2005.  I saw a few years ago.  It stars Zooey Deschanel and Mos Def AND Alan Rickman (they were in “Something the Lord” made the movie about Dr. Blalock (who by the way got a pretty shitty building at Hopkins LOL) at Johns Hopkins and the blue baby syndrome yes I have gone off on a tangent because He (Alan Rickman) is also part of the Harry Potter movie series more on that in a second) and a bunch of other actors.  It’s of course Sci-fi. 

 

I am now part of a new team at work.  They put the 3 (lowly) contractors on a team of people taken (or borrowed) from various areas to support the main team.  The one guy I have noticed because he’s kinda cute and has this body builder frame which it turns out he WAS a body builder.  When I first saw him I said He look like Krum… stay with me here because I am on an excessive nerd tangent.  So Viktor Krum comes to Hogwarts as part of the Triwizard Tournament from the Drumstang school (this was an all-boys school) and all the girls are like in love with him because he is a star Quiddich player even Weasley has like a man-crush on Krum but then when Hermoine decides she likes him Weasley is all ‘Krum is dumb’ because he sorta is a dumb jock.  So I meet my new team mate (full circle moment) and I say to him you know what I thought when I saw you?  He’s like no, what? I said you look like Krum from Harry Potter so he chuckles but then gives me this blank stare so I had to wikia Krum and show him and then he turned red!! I was like all the girls were falling for him because he was a quiddich player…. So you don’t like Harry Potter?!?!  He’s like Uuuhhh no.  I have to remind myself that there are only a few people that GET IT.  My nephew and new niece-in-law, a guy I went to college with and another guy I grew up with from church. Only 1 of my immediate gf’s have a clue about it the rest would give me a blank stare like WTH is she talking about now!?!?! I really geek out sometimes and get excited about stuff and folks are like WHAT??!  Like ‘Star Wars’ I won’t put any spoilers here and I would like to see it again.  But I went to house warming and there was a girl there who had just saw it and we were like kindred spirits!  I had to explain a few things to her from previous movies but there was a definitely twinkle in my eye as I got to talk about it.  I need a nerd support group I really do.  There is a podcast I listen to, FanBros which is the ‘voice of the urban geek’.  But they do a lot with geek culture heavy on comics and that’s not the kind nerd chick that I am.  I like the Marvel series (Avengers) but I only go as far as the movies and TV.  They recently did a top 12 of TV shows but it was heavy on British sci-fi and I hadn’t heard of most of them. Anywho…

It still takes me a lot to see a dude in meggins.  I was at Miss Shirley’s this Sunday meeting my fellow 1/13 birthday chick for brunch.  This really beat faced chick in heels comes in and then the dude behind her had on meggins.  I tried hard not to stare but I swear I couldn’t help it.  I just want to be like WHY?!?!  I mean I get it, they look comfortable but I can see your junk AND you wallet and anything else you may have in your pocket.  It’s just a bad look!!  There was another family with the interracial gay couple.  I try not to judge and I’m really not, but I for a second I was like why is this white guy telling this random black woman that he is getting buttermilk pancakes (oh my stalking goes deep LOL)?   So then I had to just take in the entirety of the family.  There were 2 older women sitting.  They were waiting for Dave who someone saw with the baby.  Dave drops… well not DROP, puts the baby on the floor and the 2 women are like LET ME SEE THE BABY!! The baby was knocked out and could not have cared.  There was the mom and dad (of Dave and/or his wife) and then the guy with the meticulous dreds in the very slim levi’s and the white guy.  It was all very regular and everyone seemed happy to see everybody else and that is family in the purest form.   AW hell now I got a thug tear threatening to roll down my cheek because I really do miss how my family used to be.  Just close and enjoying each other’s presence.  And not that we are suddenly NOT close, but it takes an act of congress for us all to be together on purpose. So they got called and went on their merry way.  Then there was a table of what I think were a bunch of my undergrad Sorors.  I kinda recognized one. They had so much weave.  Again not judging I to have what looks like a weave (no spell check I don’t mean we’ve) done at the good Braiding House at the good Security Mall where not 1 but 2 people zipped through the halls on their hover board because that’s how they live their lives. It took 5 hours although I thought it was only gonna take 2.  Thankfully I didn’t have anything else to do that night so it worked out. 

**this is so random I don’t even know why ALERT**

Part of a Dave Chapelle joke is that a man on the beach asks the women if they want to suck his balls because he has had cosmetic surgery and they are as smooth as eggs!?!?!? I just youtubed it!! Um yeah this is how I live MY life!!

 

 

 

 

 

a buncha girls did and the shit looked fuuuuuuuuuunnnnn...

Random AF

So they said they didn’t like Jill Scott.  That right there is enough to drop everything and leave.  HOW do you not like Jill Scott?!?!? There are some things that are negotiable… Jill and Seinfeld are not 2 of those things.  If you don’t agree that Seinfeld was one of the best sitcoms (if not the best… well ok at least top 5) then we are not compatible. But then when they said oh you like Jill Scott?!?!  That one is a keeper!!

I really do feel sorry for my cubemates when I get in my singing.  I try not to do so loud but sometimes it just IS!

In addition I feel sorry for them after I had a milkshake… like today #bad

My mom/roommate has been getting quite cranky and kinda a bully when she wants a cookie. 

I have never liked the term daddy for a man who is not my daddy.  My daddy dead so I’ll just call you by your name.  How about that?!?

You should never ask a question that you really don’t want to know the answer to.  I have asked a few questions and gotten the answer and I’m like huh… yep I didn’t need to know that!  So now I have to make room in the vault to hold onto this info I shoulda just not even asked about.  What’s the vault?  Oh that’s where shit goes that only I need to know.  This is unshareable shit!!  This is take to the grave even if I’m water boarded kinda shit!

So here is something I can share… or rather ask.  Am I the onliest person who when I see pics of celebrities on the news feed on the facebook instantly think they are dead?  Usually it’s their birthday or they have done something noteworthy but morbid me thing… They DEAD!!

The black security guard was feeling some kinda way when I was talking a little too friendly to the white security guard.  I don’t even know how we became on a 1^st name basis.  Probably because he was like how the heck do you say your name?  And he is nice enough, but it is really just small talk.  So relax buddy and don’t be saying hello to me all loud! 

I finally watcher The Wiz LIVE!, which was a revamped live version of The Wiz play.  I thought it was really good. Although I am in need of hearing the original… not the movie the original play music.  My sister has the album but I’m not too confident in my ability to get her to let me hold it.  I even have a record player.  But of course the YouTube has everything.  I just wanted to hear Stephanie Mills.  Her voice is just ridiculous!!  I mean she can just sang.  And I’m not taking anything away from that little girl who revamped the role, but Stephanie… just no comparison.  And then more on the YouTube is Jazmin Sullivan who’s voice at 11 was just like it is now… RIDICULOUS!!  She sang home for a school play or something. 

Speaking of music I randomly bought Kenny Lattimore’s new cd ‘Anatomy of a Love Song’.  It’s random because I just haven’t been swayed to purchase any of his music.  Listening to Will Downing’s music podcast I heard his song…actually was that the same time I heard Lalah?  Or wait was it Jill Scott?!?  I gotta go back and see.  There is one song that I think they are playing on the radio, but the one on this show was ‘You have my heart’.  You know sometimes you hear a song at the exact moment that you just need to hear it.  So then I bought the cd based on that one song but I have not been disappointed by the entire cd.  He has a little Lalah Hathaway in there for good measure, but the hilarious feature is Kelly Price.  When she was on that show RnB Divas it was clear that Chante Moore had problem with her ex Kenny Lattimore.  But you know sometimes I wonder if some of that was done more for show.   One of the main reason I stopped watching the show because it was just TMI.  I don’t need to know all this petty stuff about my singers.  Anyways, I really like the CD.

I am not a gadget kinda chick, I never have been but I just made 2 purchases that might turn me to the dark side LOL.  About 2 weeks before thanksgiving, my sister was talking about the food processor she used.  I was like HOLE UP you have a food processor?  I mean I watch the cooking shows and I know how much they make life easier, but the size of my kitchen has made me rethink buying extra stuff to put in there.  AND they always have the really high end ones on the show and the kid is not shelling out $500 for one little piece of equipment. I started doing a little research, you know at work, and found them on the good Amazon for under $50 so I got one.  I like onions and I cry a total river whenever I need to cut them.  For thanksgiving I made the stuffing which called for both onions and celery.  I used my new processor and it took literally seconds what usually felt like it took all evening!  On Cyber Monday I was again on the Amazon and saw a knife sharpener which I probably should have gotten before trying to carve a turkey but I digress. I read the reviews and this lil sharpener seemed to be like a good buy.  I don’t have high end cutlery in fact I bought knives at Sam’s club maybe 8 years ago so the knives have been in dire need of a good sharpen.  I used the fine setting and my knife was sharp as… well a KNIFE!!  I don’t even remember what I cut into but I was VERY satisfied!!

This is about the time of year I do a year in review.  This has truly been a year!  One of the main bench marks for me usually is a job.  I started with one and I’m ending with one. OH JOY!  I know the parameters should be a little higher than that, like did I change my life or the life of others around me?  Did I make a difference?  Did I lose 300 pounds and become the next Iron Woman?  Did I invent the next great gadget?  I don’t know something more than just a damn job.  A job aint nothing but work (LOL).  There’s that!  And of course as the main caregiver for my mother just making sure she is ok which… well ok her general ailments really were the cause of her fall in April, but for a while I felt like I failed her.  Like why did I allow this to happen? She had a stay in a nursing/rehab facility and while it was nice enough she left a little worse than she went in… WHEW this is getting dark as hell.  Hmmm…  Many lessons were learned.  There is always a mix of good and bad staff at facilities.  You always want the best but when you get the bad you roll with it.  You make sure they know you are present and know what is going on at any given time and when something goes wrong, tell someone!  The place was going through a bit of a transition but I never allowed anything to fall through the cracks.  I brought my mom home and the search for the caregiving staff was on.  Is has been a challenge since August and I don’t want to say out loud that I think I finally have a good mix, because something is always bound to change, but am less stressed about it.  I have gotten more active in my sorority probably more as a release from stuff at home.  And then I also found some other releases J well you know not just THAT but that is always a GREAT release!  But more of just giving myself permission to live my life.  This honestly took a long time for me to do.  Asking people/family for help or not!  And then also planning better.  I usually plan things out but actually scheduling time for myself sounds easy, but doing it can be a challenge because a myriad of excuses that can come up. 

There is more to my year but I just drew a blank… DAMN WORK!! so this is my blog from your favorite random chick!

no coincidence exist that we don't manifest...

It’s a gloomy day today.  I’m not sure why that makes any difference but it does.  It’s always a good day to blog, right?!?! RIGHT!!  And I had a lot in me from thanksgiving but then I guess I talked a lot that day so I was able to get it out of me.  But I can still stat there.  Thanksgiving was pretty great!  I usually pace myself a little better likes starting Sunday or Monday but I got all my shopping done and started Wed.  I made chitlins… chitterlings (okay no red wiggly line under that spelling!), greens, bean dip, spinach dip, corn pudding, relish tray, turkey and ham.  That’s what I did.  My sister came with the rest of the sides because black folk do the most!  And we are no different.  She came in with boxes of food.  Actually most of her stuff were sweets, but she also did the macaroni and cheese, sweet potatoes, green beans, potato salad, deviled eggs… it sounds so ridiculous written down but if something is missing it always feels like the end of the world.  Several things are done in the name of tradition.  OMG I forgot the stuffing that I made!  So this is the recipe written by my sister but is from what my grandmother did cause you know that generation of cooks just knew what to do, they didn’t follow to many recipes.  It is (or rather was) cornbread stuffing.  I attempted it last year and was not nearly as close as I was this year.  I was almost in tears this year because it wasn’t coming out right and then I ran out of freaking poultry seasoning, I called my cousin who walked me through the last few steps.  It turned out really good.  Now as the cook sampling food all day and waiting for folks to get house I did have food but then I don’t think I enjoyed it all that much.  BUT THE NEXT DAY…  I was a tired chick and I slept most of the day.  I got up maybe about 10 fix a full plate of leftovers ate it and mmmm’d and ahh’d through the meal and got back in the bed.  Later in the day I fixed another full plate… and it was just as good!!  SO that was the food.  I was able to get the roommate up and out of the bed which is always good.  She doesn’t do so well with so many people in the house and then there were two little people and she got fixated on the safety of the baby who is 2 and who was into everything.  He bumped his head (he was fine) but then she was concerned every time he walked by and told him to be careful.  But in general it was just a good day and weekend.  I got some much needed sleep.

I have scored BIG today!  It is Wednesday and I’m over thanksgiving food, plus not much is left.  Yesterday I got a grilled cheese and clam chowder at the cafeteria at my job.  Why was the clam chowder so good!?!?!  Today I went downstairs to toast my pumpkin pop tart found in a random Trader Joes bag I had and totally forgot I bought last month.  I actually offered it to a co-worker and then said wait.. nah you can’t have my pop tart!! As with most companies, when there is a meeting the admins usually have food I used to be the one ordering back in the day at a few of my 50eleven jobs.  So the admin who ordered was trying to avoid having to move all of the food back to her building so she was giving all the stuff away.  There were muffins, pastries, parfaits, mini quiches.  I grabbed the mini quiche and the parfait which turned out to be plain greek unsweetened yogurt so not so good! But the quiche AND the pop tart was good.  SO then this afternoon as I look at the clock knowing it’s too late to run to the cafeteria, another admin from the group I sit beside was bringing cookies and sandwiches!  SCORE another one for me!! So I had a cookie, this good pesto chicken sandwich, chips, AND more clam chowder.  A sista is going down.  I am getting the sleepy eye!!  Itis is real!!

 

Soulful Symphony… almost forgot about this.  I have known about the Soulful Symphony for years but have never gotten myself together to get tickets.  This year after I missed the purchase of the block of tickets one of my Sorors had I just went ahead and bought some tickets and went.  All I can say is I have missed out in ALL of the years I didn’t go.  It was AMAZING!! First of all, even though I know my singing voice is not up to par, I do be thinking in the back of my head that I can just audition to be somebodies back ground singer.  I don’t know why I have this thought.  Not nobody told me I could sing and I haven’t been in a choir since my days at Rodman St. Missionary Baptist, so this is a confidence I have that is rooted in misplaced arrogance.   Usually the background singers are BETTER than the main person.  So anyway there were several featured artists, the main one being Ledisi.  I knew Ledisi was going to sing but I really thought she was going to sing the whole time.  How it works is there are people from the choir who come up and sing the solo.  They ALL could sing.  I mean REALLY SING!! Darin Atwater is the conductor/composer and has curated such a great show.  It gave me orchestra, choir, church, jazz, standards, and new!!  It was just amazing.  SO yeah I won’t be auditioning any time soon only to get my feelings good and hurt LOL  My only gripe and it wasn’t even with the performance but the place, Meyerhoff, please stop selling Fritos!!  That was all I heard for a few minutes as it began.  The people behind me had what sounded like several bags of Fritos!!  And I gave the ½ way head turn like REALLY Y’ALL!!?!?  Then it got quiet and someone else decided they needed a corn chip.

 

I need for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey to not be on my Kindle peddling games! 

It’s still gloomy and foggy and I am ready to crack open some wine and get myself under the covers!! I was listening to something on handzonradio.fm and the singer just said ' no coincidence exist that we don't manifest YES!!'  Aint that deep!?!?!?

So I published but didn't share the blog... I had more to say.  I am having sucha  slight caregiver issue only on Wed.  So the company I use has been sending me a bunch of different folks that some weeks I'm like EWWW I wish they would send her back or like today I was like yeah... they don't need to send her again!! Sometimes I know in my heart it is just a matter of fit and other times I'm like that woman was an idiot!!  So today the first sign was she wasn't on time.  That throws my day off.  Well actually what threw my day off was I went to iron and the fuse blew so I had to run to the basement.  It was so close to 7 that I chatted with my night person and decided to wait for the person that was going to be here during the day.  So she is late and she parks on the side of the street that has NO PARKING signs.  I mean giving her the benefit of the doubt, I know they are there, but when you are unsure don't you look for signs? So she rushed in and I'm like NO you need to move your car now!  I can't have someone's car getting towed on my conscious and I DAMN SURE don't have any funds to give because you didn't pay attention.  So she comes in and is nice enough but then she is OVERLY excited about everything... calm down lady!!  I'm showing her around and she is like well I can just lift you mom up and bring her to the living room.  UMM AGAIN I think simma down now!! what I always say to all of the people coming in my home to care for my mother is, call me!  Her are all my numbers I always have my phone on me so call the cell.. and call she did.  I was at the light just up the street and she called to see if she should give her breakfast.  YES give her breakfast and help her eat.  Then she called because she asked for fruit (which is better than cookies LOL)... well yes give her some fruit, no wait it's close to lunch give her lunch and then the fruit in a few hours.  And then she called me for something else I can't remember.  I get home thinking everything went well and it did but she is sitting in the living room.  She said, your mother said I talk to much and to leave her alone!! And I look at her like well YEAH that is how she is sometimes.  Then she says oh I didn't do the laundry because I didn't know about the machine.  **BLANK STARE** Now what now?!?!  Part of the tour is... the washing machine is in the basement and it is very regular.  Nothing fancy or high tech.  So then she is like well I can just wash now.  And I'm like NO I need to wash MY clothes so don't worry about it.  What does she do?  She goes to get the basket and proceed to go to the basement.  **BLANK STARE AGAIN!!!** Ummm... I said don't worry about it my person tomorrow will do the laundry and I just said I need to do my laundry so take the basket back to the room.  She is apologizing and I'm like it's fine!!  and it gets to the point where it's just TOO MUCH like ALRIGHT ALREADY!!! I'm like well did you go to the basement at all?  She was like no I didn't even go.  OK Fine just stop apologizing.  So yeah and then it is time for her to go and then she decided after she clocks out that she wants to have a conversation... OK bu-bye now.... I SAID BU-BYE!!!

everything has got to get better!!!

I am going to be 42 in just over 2 months.  I found myself in saying out loud to myself recently in true Danny Glover ‘Lethal Weapon’ form “I’m too old for this shit!” or wait did he say I’m GETTING to old for this shit?  Either way it is clear that at a certain age it is too much to be doing the same shit I been doing prior to the age that I am now.  And with this new found adulthood or not even new found but it’s like HOLE UP I’m over 40… too old for this shit! I have to evaluate how I live my life and the things I allow to be part of my life and the things I’m just like nah… I’m not doing that.  So because I am constantly in self-evaluation mode I think other people also are evaluating how they live and the things they do and the things they say. BUT NO!!!  Just like in the song Tennessee (Arrested Development)…. I ask you Lord why enlighten, me without the enlightenment of ALL my folks. He said cause I set myself on a quest for truth and He was there to quench my thirst… BUT I am still thirsty.  Even at the time when that song came out it was an instant connection.  You have to ASK for enlightenment.  You have to know that you can do better or strive to want to do better in order to do better!! So yeah all of that is to say people live their lives different from me and I strive to not be judgmental of how they do it.  But it is an ongoing challenge for me. Sometimes I listen to people and just have to nod my head like ‘yeah girl’ cause that is all I have to give.  Cause what I really want to say is, IS ya crazy or is ya stupid?  That was my Forrest Gump reference.  I am going off on so many tangents right now, I’m sure I lost at very least my sister. In summation… I am about to turn 42 and this is the time of year I start doing my deep thinking!!

I have been in a lot of meeting lately both work related and sorority; and one thing that never fails to grate every nerve in my body is when people make a point to say how quickly their report is going to be.  JUST GIVE THE DAMN REPORT!!!  You don’t have to preface it any kinda way.  If it takes 2 minutes or 20, it is still the report you need to give so just give it.  Last night someone said I’m gonna be really really really quick and my head almost exploded!! Just give the report for the love of LBJ, just GIVE THE REPORT!!

I’m sitting here trying to decide if I’m gonna go home, because it is gonna be dark in about 5 minutes, or sit here and write more blog stuff.  The roommate is safe.  I had a little drama last week, ok so here is what had happened (so I guess stay at work for a little longer won).  I have been having an ongoing battle with the agency I use to get a consistent caregiver person during the week and on the weekend.  For a couple reasons; 1. I don’t feel like constantly ‘training’ someone on the likes and dislikes of my mom; where all the stuff is for her care and just someone new in my house all the time.  2. She has dementia so some days when she doesn’t feel like being bothered she can be pretty mean to the women who come in.  I have been working with this company for about a year.  Last summer when she fell, I basically fired the other company I was using.  Not because it was the little girls fault even though it kinda was, but it wasn’t in me to sue or act crazy because honestly it could have happened to me. They kept giving me incompetent people and that was not good.  I hired a new company and I went through a few people and then they sent me a woman who truly is an angel.  Fast forward to this spring when on my watch my mom falls again.  This time it really was what it was, she has MS and tended to be wobbly so her legs buckled and she twisted and fractured her knee.  Fast forward some more to this past August when medicare was done paying at the rehab facility and I needed to figure out what to do with my mom.  Hospital bed and other equipment and she is back home with me.  I figured out a schedule that would work best for me and my life and the company I worked with sent me a team of caregivers which actually worked out great.  3 weeks later… all the people they sent went back to school!! Back to the drawing board with a good team of people.  I finally got a MWF (days of the week) and TTh person and an alternating weekend people.  I wasn’t terribly happy but they insisted that this was the best they could do for me.  The MWF person needed to get fingerprinted in the middle of the day and they sent my original Angel!! Keep in mind I had been asking about her since I had planned on bringing my mom home but NO she wasn’t available even though she was promised to me, but now I knew she WAS available so I called pretty much every other day to get my schedule changed.  The MWF person (hmmm it woulda been easier if I gave this women names so we’ll call her Mary) Mary went to London for about a month and a half and Angel (we’ll stick with Angel) still kept the TTh schedule.  They kept sending me random people until finally I could not take no more!  My sister called and spoke to one of the owners and Angel talked to the office and then I talked to the office again and they finally gave me (or rather my mom) Angel.  Things are going wonderful!!  I am happy (well for the most part… I was still trying to sort out the night people but that’s a WHOLE nuther story)!! My mom likes Angel and responds to her like no other.  Mary comes back from London but I’ve expressed that I didn’t want to change my schedule and everyone was like ok fine.  THEN the chick I had on W cause now my schedule is Angel comes on MTTHF and the Janet (not her real name either LOL) on W, well Janet just had a baby and had car issues so who do they send MARY!! I knew it was going to be awkward but the office insisted it shouldn’t be.  Mary comes on W and all goes well.  BUT THEN FRIDAY rolls around and Mary comes back to my house even though she is not scheduled.  Drama ensues.  Thank LBJ I was in the shower because I heard all of it after the fact.  So what had happened is Angel came in clocked in,  The night person... let's call he Shonquita was giving her a report and Mary came in the house, put her things in the kitchen proceeded to go into my moms room and told Angel YOU HAVE TO GO, THIS IS MY SHIFT!!!  Angel was like uuuhhh... no, but let me look at me email.  Mary proceeds to say YOU HAVE TO GO NOW!!! at this point Shonquita and Angel are telling her to calm down AND be quiet because my mom is sleep and this just isn't how things are done.  They call the office and the person tells Mary she is not supposed to be there but Mary yells at her and says BUT THIS IS MY SHIFT!!!  They finally get her out!  At some point I get out of the shower and juust sit on my bed and my phone rings.  I had no idea any of this was going on and Mary is saying SHE HAS MY SHIFT!!!  And it's only 7:30 so I'm like WHO IS THIS?!?!? She says Mary... THE OTHER WOMAN IS IN THERE! I say hold up, you were here Wed and i think you are here tomorrow.  Then she was like but I am in front of your house NOW!!  I was said, but your're not supposed to be.  I see her drive off, get myself further together and go downstairs.  Angel is sitting on the couch kind of waiting for me but really waiting for my mom to wake up.  SO I say don't you get an email with your schedule? Because Mary just called me.   And she says OMG what did she say?!?!  Long story short (made even longer) Mary took it upon herself to just show up which is NOT COOL!!  I was stressed out Angel was stressed out and my mom had no idea what was going on.  **sigh** the moral of this story is lock your door or rather MY door when you come in my house, get over the fact that after a month in a 1/2 my original caregiver finally has the schedule I want her to have, so she didn't steal your shift YOU stole hers!!  AND aside from flipping through coupons you did nothing above and beyond AND you fussed at all of my night people!!  SO yeah Mary i'm glad you went to London because now my mom is doing much much better with Angel.  This whole caregiving thing has been quite the adjustment for me.  I appreciate all the help but someone is always in the house and now that the season is getting colder they feel it's ok to touch my thermometer.  One night I was sweating bullets because the chick had turned it up a few degrees. 

Today I walk in and my house felt like a sauna.  I got look and it's 6 degrees higher than it should be.  First off, my mom doesn't get that cold and the little blanket is enough for her.  I really thought I was being petty, it is my house, but it is also their place of business.  I can't change the thermostat at my job.  in fact I have a sweater, a scarf and a little heater under my desk.  I have to deal with the temp that they provide to me.  So no DO NOT TOUCH IT!!  I might have to put a little sticky over it.  

It has been a day and I need a glass of wine STAT!! - that's all

...whew I almost deleted this one!!

When you are in the ladies room with other people, even if your nasty ass never washes and/or uses soap go ahead and do just that… WASH AND USE SOAP!!  I gave this older woman the side eye like did she just NOT use soap?  She was too interested in making sure her hair was in her ponytail.  Like that episode of Seinfeld where Poppie came out the toilet area fixed his hair and rolled out the bathroom, then proceeded to use both hands to make Jerry and his date a ‘special’ meal.  Jerry was like nah I’m good!!  It makes me sick to think people are just that gross. 

Another show I like to reference is Ally McBeal.  On that show… I totally just got caught up in the Wikipedia of John Cage aka ‘the biscuit’ who was on that show.  It doesn’t mention what I was about the write about but it does have some other funny points I forgot about.  Mainly that he had a remote control that he used for the toilet, because he always needed a fresh bowl!  I need a remote like that.  So what I was going to say about him is that he was socially awkward, and I can’t remember if he went to therapy and they gave him this tool or if he came up with it himself.  Basically he started smile therapy.  What that is, is when all else fails, smile! You would see him randomly doing this crazy smile.  Got distracted again… I didn’t remember Taye Diggs being on that show.  I’m on the YouTube. So now I’m watching the 1^st episode.  This is how my day is going.  Man I miss this show!! I forgot the main premise was that she was in love with a guy who went off and married someone else and then worked for a firm that they all worked for (well eventually). I am 2 episodes in… all because I wanted to talk about smile therapy.  And what was my point about that?!?  OH YEAH so I work at a place where the people for the most part look miserable most of time so I find myself smiling almost laughing at these people like, is it that bad?  And it may very well be. I know how my life is and what it entails and I also know everyone does not handle things in the same way.  Some folks are good at covering up everything while others wear their emotions on their sleeves.  I think I fit nicely somewhere in the middle… maybe not.  Maybe I sway closer to a particular side more often than I care to admit (that would be the batshit crazy crying for every damn thing side LOL) Anyway smiling is free, someone might need it more than you realize and even if they don’t smile back it still makes you feel better than always growling.

Where does one buy blue patent leather pumps?  I have a co-worker from another country and her sense of style is not bad, just interesting.  Many of the things she wears, I just look at her like where the hell did you get that?!? It’s heavy on patterns and texture and sometimes they mix and match and sometimes it’s a cluster fuck of a whole bunch of everything.  These are the thoughts going through my brain.

I just used a pen that has the ergonomic cushion on it.  Back in the day my mom would call it her handicapped pen and it used to make me so mad.  I don’t even know why.

We just did secret santa on my team here at my job.  This should be fun!  I mean it never has been in the past, but I have faith. I remember even doing one with my family doing a good specific list and then whoever got me got a gift card.  That always used to piss me off, now, just do whatever.  I didn’t put too much thought into my list.  I do like a good gift set from Bath and Body works.  Every time I go into that store, which isn’t often these days, I say now THIS would be a good gift for me! Usually out loud to myself so no one who could actually buy me the gift can hear me LOL.

I am listening to the new Janet song.  It’s just dumb and I don’t like it.  Her whisper voice just gets on my nerves.

Ugh my coworker is eating tuna with onions at his desk.  THANKS buddy!!  So I have an instant headache.  They did some desk shuffling in cube nation, but remember I reside in cube village but I have to pass through the nation, and I swear someone has a smell that is not quite unpleasant but I can smell it and I need for them to take extra care.

I keep listening to slow ass music and I am about to need to take a nap up under my desk in a minute!