I'm sitting here in my office in my free green shirt I got from 'Be the Match' and my Kermit bottoms. Not sure why that is important but what is important is I'm starting my job search again and it is a bit daunting. I'm on LinkedIn now and looking at some previous co-workers who have moved up in the ranks. I always wonder if I stayed if I too would have been given the opportunity to move up. I left one company because I knew there was no other choice as I sat in a room after having gotten yet another manager (I went through 3 in 1 year) and for them to ring the praises of a young white male co-worker. Basically he could do whatever he wanted in the company. I along with another black female coworker looked at each other like well what about us? I can't remember if she was pregnant at the time, which shouldn't matter because women can do it all, right? I sat there frustrated and sad thinking they really don't care about me AT ALL. And then a follow-up meeting with yet another manager because then they merged teams, proceeded to tell me how unready I was for a course the company offered and that maybe I should rethink some things. I called a co-worker/friend and told her I had to get outta here!!! Which I did. So when I presented my resignation to the manager, she acted like I stabbed her in the back when she was the one who thwarted my advancement. Should I have stayed and let them remind me again and again that I was unready? I wonder... This is the same company that when I was trying to go from temp to permanent having gone to HR to see what else I needed to do was told I was too aggressive and had an attitude. I think it was best to leave there. So ok onto the new company where everything is shiny and new. I applied for a senior position maybe 2 years later and again was told I wasn't ready EVEN THOUGH they gave it to someone a few years later that I trained; a white male. I'm not trying to make this a racial post but it is curious how things are afforded to others that are not me when I am more than qualified. At one point I was just trying to get out of my current department and was applying for EVERYTHING and nothing worked. I had an interview with someone who literally made me hold in the tears until I got to the bathroom because this fool didn't bother to look at my resume and even though my degree is in marketing said I really didn't know anything about marketing and he wasn't sure why he was even interviewing me. WHEW the things I have endured. I gave that job almost 5 years of my life and who knows maybe I should have stayed there but my spirit knew that nothing good was going to come out of that. But maybe just maybe I should be resigned to be miserable and just make the money? There are very few people who I know personally who actually love their job. My mom is 1 of a very few people. She loved teaching. She got excited about how she was going to do things differently for a new batch of kids. She tried to get me excited about map skills, which I was not BUT I can read a map before GPS was even around so there's that!! I'm lacking a passion for doing something, ANYTHING! And now at 43, I think I might actually have to start over. It's both irritating and exhilarating. I recently read an article about a woman who took a coding course I think she was in her 50's. I don't have a problem with learning something new... So what the heck is my problem? I have a friend who is taking a typing class because he really can't type well. I need to do something and it probably needs to be sooner than later.
I've always said I wanted to work at a small to medium sized company yet I have ended up at these large companies where I am literally a number to them. How do you even grow in companies like that? I'm contemplating writing to someone who I had a bs interview with last week. I know it's inappropriate, but I already don't have the job so what harm could it do? Even though I am disappointed in her for not hiring me, I'm more disappointed in myself for not saying that one right thing but who the hell knows what that is?! Let me click off her page before I do something dumb. In fact, let me get outta LinkedIn for now because it's driving me crazy.
What I need to do I go take a nice shower and call about my car. Oh yeah I was in an accident a few weeks ago which is a whole other blog I need to write but probably won't because it angers me to think about it. Then I need to do inventory of my jewelry, yep I sell jewelry. And then go look at my mom who may or may not be sleep and may or may not want to talk to me today. AND eat!! I definitely need to eat!!
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