and there'd be no more hours of dreaming...

This week has just been hard! My sister had surgery and she came and stayed with me for a few nights and I reconfirmed that I am not built for the overnight shift.  When I was taking care of my mom and it became clear that she was not going to sleep through the night on a regular basis, I got a night nurse.  I actually liked that I could take care of my sister, that wasn't the bad part.  The bad part is my body just could not get it together. AND THEN there was daylight savings time which is some fracken nackle.  So I was just tired!  I kept trying to not be tired and telling myself I wasn't tired, but my ass was TIRED!! My goal is to work out at 5 times a week, which usually I make it 3 times, but last week, I worked out once.  I felt good after, but that was all I could muster for the week.  It's ok to not be ok! I felt bad for feeling bad.  How crazy is that?  Then it's also been gloomy and cold.  Friday was the first day I felt like myself.  My body is slowly but surely getting back to the normal that I am used to. 

Spring has sprung!  I didn't even realize the first day of spring had made it's arrival.  I shoulda known.  One clue were the smallish flower that were starting to pop up in my backyard.  I bought this random little basket of bulbs at Aldi's last fall and got them in the ground.  My main fear was that one of the critters (rabbit, squirrel or maybe even that dame ground hog (even though my brother told me it was most likely a family, I am still holding on to it just being 1 LOL)) were going to dig them up and eat the.  The squirrels are real good for that.  But, surprisingly they didn't!  It would have been great if I had labeled them, but unfortunately, that is not my strong suit.  There are crocus and maybe some type of lily and maybe a tulip?  It will be a surprise whenever they bloom.  It truly are the little things!  Also, my plants in the front are also making their arrival.  

The concept that things revolve around you is so ingrained in all of us that sometimes I think we forget that there are bigger things going on than what we can see or comprehend.  IT'S BIGGER THAN YOU!  

I washed my car today because the birds have been completely disrespectful to my car!  AND I felt that I needed to do it myself because an instant car wash or even hand car wash, they would miss a spot, and that would piss me off.  What I don't need is to pay for a service that I know is not going to be good. You go to these places, they don't do a great job, and then you still (well maybe it's just me) feel compelled to tip.  Nope!  Not today!  I had some energy today so I did it myself. I've poked my head out to look out at my car to see if the birds have 'tagged' my car, and so far so good. What I will need to do is buy another hose.  I've had that one for several years; the spray nozzle is rusted onto the hose AND there are a few holes. If I wasn't paying attention, I would have given my creepy neighbor, because I know his weird ass was watching, a nice little wet t-shirt show!  I'm looking on the Amazon now to see about a new hose which is going to take me down a rabbit hole of shopping and reading reviews and trying to figure out the durability and... UGH... just alla that!! I might could tape up the holes??! Maybe I won't be that trifling LOL! Or maybe I will?!??

Today is Sunday and the sun has been absolutely amazing!!  I just sat outside and soaked up the setting sun.  I have been in such a mode of gratefulness!  I am thankful for all of the things big, small, and in between!  And that's all I have to say about that!!!

Feb 2021

 I let the whole month almost slip by without a post.  The goal is to post at least once a month and I am almost not living up to my end of the deal that I made with myself.  I'm sure I have a lot to talk about, but right now all I can think of are the Sunkist Jellybeans I bought at the Dollar Store last week. I need to get caught up on all my shows from last week, but instead of doing that I'm watching an old show that used to be on Lifetime, UnReal, which is a scripted show about the behind the scenes shenanigans that happen on the Bachelor type shows.  Everyone is sleeping with everyone and it's not nearly as romantic as they make you think it is.  I'm not a huge fan of reality TV, but even from this show you can see how much manipulation goes into the creation of 'good tv'.  I wonder what would happen if they let people actually think for themselves. Also, I need to watch the new Billie Holiday movie, but probably not a good time to start watching after 10 pm.  I will stay away from the reviews although so far everyone is saying it was good.  They also said 'One Night in Miami' was 'good' and it was but it was also a little boring. I love Leslie Odom and Aldis Hodge and the little cutie that played Muhamad Ali and the British actor who played Malcolm X. I am super excited for Regina King and all of the accolades she is receiving.  

I had an amazing nap late this afternoon and I am so ready to go back to sleep.  SO even though I am racking my brain for things to talk about, I will pick this up next month. Peace, love, hair grease, and soul!!! LOL

Happy New Year!!!

 It is the end of the month but the sentiment is the same Happy year of our Lord and savior two thousand twenty one!  We got us a new year to make something of ourselves, or do something different, or do the same damn thing we been doing, or just do you boo boo!!

I'm currently watching The Resident and as much as I love Morris Chestnut, I freaking hate his character on this show, with a BIG passion.  HE. IS. THEEEE. WORST. What I do like **spoiler alert** are Mina and Theo (not his name on the show but Malcolm Jamal Warner will for always and ever be Theo) finally, Finally, FINALLY getting together. I mean that secks has to be HOT!!! mmm... Anywhooo

One of the very few resolutions I made this year was to blog more!  Someone randomly said, 'oh you only blogged twice last year' and I  thought about it and blogging once a month is not too much to ask.  I gotta give the people what they want!!  And I love thinking what the 'people' want and need is one of my random ass blogs.  My opinion of myself is ridiculous! LOL

I'm sure I made other resolutions, but the fact that I made it out of 2020 unscathed is nothing short of a miracle!! I mean we are still in the midst of a global pandemic and so many people that look like me are not making it.  I am still up in the air about the vaccine.  My black doctor told me the science is there and we should trust it, my (her) black nurse was on the fence but, she's an essential worker, so she is getting it.  My elderly... oh wait I'm sorry because she is not a senior citizen... my fly ass aunt just got it the shot, my nephew who is a top secret essential person in the government (wait I said too much... disregard what you just read!!!), and others have gotten the vaccine. I am still a little nervous about it.  I'm just keeping it for real for real!  And as much as I want it to go away, it just isn't going away fast enough! I thought for sure by now we would be getting back to a normal that looked like normal prior to March 2020. Alas, we are not.  The highlight of my week is going to Aldi's and even then, it is a deliberate shopping experience. I have the store mapped in my head so it is a real in and out situation.  Even today, I had to go to Sam's club to pick up a prescription. I mapped it out in my head.  The goal was: get a basket, head to the back, get chicken, water, loop around to the pharmacy, pay for everything there and leave.  In actuality, I only made 2 pit stops.  I got a basket, got kitty litter, chicken, water Kleenex, looked for a big ass thing of Lawry's but all they had was Morton's Seasoned Salt (eww), got my prescription after flirting with the dude in front of me (he flirted first and really how much flirtation can go on without knowing if he had all his teeth?!?!? and then I gotta remember, I got a whole ass man who would think my coy flirts were a sure sign I was leaving him LOL) I got the pharmacy lady to let me buy everything there, thankfully there was no line, and I high tailed it outta there!!  I was on my DON'T GET IN MY WAY mode for sure!  Don't try and sell me nothing extra.  Don't be walking all slow in front of me. I got shit to do! Lingering in the Sam's club is not one of those things.

This show is in Atlanta, WHY aren't there more black folks on this show?!?!  Almost like Designing Women back in the 80's.  They only had the 1 black man, who I just goggled, he died in 2014 : O  and speaking of people who died... Cicely Tyson an American treasure passed away yesterday.  She was 96 years old!  What an amazingly long and fabulous life and career she had!  She was still working as of last year!!!  That is just amazing.

So maybe late November I started having the worst hot flashes!  I was 46 ( I have since had a birthday, I'm a whole ass 47 now) and this is a little young to be in full blown menopause but for sure perimenopausal. It was just unbearable!  I would turn on my electric blanket in my bed, get warm and then 2 minutes later threw all of my blankets and comforter off because my ass was hot!  I would turn on my fan and let it blow on all parts of my body even if the temperature was 25 degrees.  I. WAS. HOT. It has gotten better in the last 2 weeks but I really thought I was gonna die!!  I mean I would just be sitting there and need to just fan myself because I would start sweating.  The crazy part is, I KNEW it was coming!  Since about age 8 watching my mother just sweat for no good reason.  She wore dress shields so as not to sweat through her blouses and dresses.  I remember running around church looking for paper towel because her flashes were severe.  She would drive fast with the windows down to relieve herself of being hot. I was there for it all, so I knew!  Fast forward to watching my sister strip down and sit in front of a fan because she was flashing! I knew! And then lets not forget the book club ladies who asked me to turn down my heat when I hosted book club because... FLASH!  So I knew it was coming!!  I just was not prepared with the vengeance with which it came!!! It has settled down a bit, but I have my fans (electric and manual) ready cause I  never know.

Ugh... maybe I shouldn't have drunk a jumbo glass of wine when I have a committee meeting in about 10 minutes! 

 Meeting went off without a hitch.  I actually sounded like I knew what I was talking about LOL.

2020 Year in review

 I mean, do we really need a year in review?  This year has been a shit show for so many reasons so why even review it? I'm sitting here at my desk with new (well not new... but more like clean!) pj's and freshly twisted hair, and I'm so thankful that I made it this far!  I'm not even really in a bad space, I mean, true, I am a little sad right now but that could probably be chalked up to regular winter blues.  It's a bright sunshiny day, but it's cold af.  A friend wanted to meet up to walk outside and I got cold just thinking about it LOL.  Do I start off with the good, the bad, or the ugly?!?!? Ehhh... maybe I'll go in that order.  The good is that I have been healthy and maintained my life, which is HUGE because, so many things could have gone wrong at so many different points.  I've worked for a total of maybe 5 months (3 1/2 months full time and 3 months part time which amounts to about a month) this year and not lost my car or house, I never missed a meal or skipped a beat (well maybe a few beats were skipped)!  The inevitability of losing my job was written on the walls long before Covid reared it's ugly head.  The general restructuring of my department moving everything back to the corporate office in late 2019 and them assigning me more work/duties with no more money was a clear sign to me.  The company I worked for almost relishes when people fail.  It sounds a bit odd, but I've seen it more times than I care to admit.  They legit set you up for failure and then act dumb when you do.  But I'm a pretty good employee, scratch that I am a STELLAR employee, so the bottom line is, I get shit done!  Way to pat myself on the back cause who the hell else will.  Anyway, I've been on a working more with less for a while and I was thinking through my exit strategy that I planned on implementing around the summer.  Late February early March was when it was finally realized that this lil virus wasn't going anywhere.  There were hiring freezes, people I had extended job offers to, had to be rescinded, it was the pits.  Although funny enough, the people who made way more than I did never got affected nearly as much as me or the minimum wage folks, cause a 10% pay cut on 6 figure salary...  but I digress.  March 17, I was escorted into an office where 3 people had to let me know I was being 'furloughed'; not really let go or fired, but furloughed.  It's funny to me now like WHY did I need 3 people to deliver this news to me?? Did they think I was gonna act a fool? Also, even though I was in the Baltimore office, I was a corporate employee.  Anyway, I was told to not turn in my keys or phone because this was temporary and I'd be back in no time.  In my mind I really thought I'd be back by June. August the latest.  But people kept getting sick and dying and no end was in sight to this pandemic.  I think it occurred to me around June that I was not ever going back and I was really okay with that.  Side note, I still have my keys and phone.  If I wanted to, I could rob them blind because there are no alarms nor cameras AND they would always forget to lock the back door.  That's just not my nature, BUT... I COULD!!! just saying.  So I quarantined.  I bought toilet paper and paper towel like everyone else.  I bought groceries and liquor to ride out this impending apocalypse like everyone else and just chilled.  I filed for unemployment and got the extra money so I was good!  My initial goal was to keep the same routine; my alarm went off at 5:55 and I hit the snooze and then attempted to get out of the bed.  That keeping the same routine thing failed miserably so the next goal was just to get out of bed and put on a bra and clothes.  This one I have kept up.  Early on everyone who had not lost their job felt the need to tell me what they would do if they had.  Like 'I wouldn't get outta bed' or 'I would just lounge around all day' or '__________ fill in the blank of whatever'.  And I gotta tell you, lounging around all day gets boring.  I needed some type of purpose.  So I starting posing jewelry everyday; this led to some nice sales. I also started cleaning up my basement which, when would I ever get this time again? It is mostly cleaned up, I still have a ways to go but I have thrown out and donated a lot of things so this definitely falls under good. I started a garden!  The tomatoes didn't really produce like I wanted but the cucumber kept giving and giving... all in all it worked out.  I did a lot of sitting in my back yard enjoying nature and wine.  I got my porch redone (this falls into the bad and ugly category as well). I was living my best life!! Around late August I decided it was time to get back out in the work force; and after longer than usual, I finally got a part time job yay ; / 

Time for the bad... Everything got cancelled!!  I really did not anticipate not being able to do nothing! My sister and I were in the process of planning our biennial family reunion.  We went to the hotel to do a tour and plan out the logistics; it was looking great.  I made the announcement that everything was still on, only to have to recant that statement about a week later. I felt so stupid because I was the main one pushing for us to keep it moving even when there were so many signs that pointed to everything being shut down.  That was that!  Then there was the case of my House Music cruise that I just new I would be able to go on.  Week by week Royal Caribbean had a new update, as well as the organizers of the event kept trying to keep hope alive.  It takes many hours, weeks, months to plan these types of events which I know all too well, but when I got cancelled for good, RUN ME MY MONEY!!! The cruise was in April, I got my refund in June.  Now this doesn't sound that bad in retrospect, but when you are checking your account every other day, 2 months is like a lifetime.  And Southwest didn't give NO money back, they extended the time to use the credit for 2 years.  Honestly though, I have no idea where and when I'm going to use it.  Then there was loss.  I lost 2 uncles this summer.  One who had been suffering from dementia for about as long if not longer than my mother. He was my father's first cousin so technically not my uncle, but that's all I knew him as.  He hadn't been doing well for quite some time, but you still don't expect folks to die. I mean you do, but I still get caught off guard when they do. He was the one who had all the cool gadgets (like a VCR LOL).  He tinkered with stuff and had the cool basement hideaway which I would love to go to after Sunday school with my cousin.  This funereal sent us to Pittsburgh for the weekend.  It's always good to see family but not really under those circumstances.  My other uncle was starting to suffer from dementia as well.  His decline, even though it had been years, seemed to be quick.  Even though I was closer to him I'm sort of at a loss for what to say here.  He was a man that I know no matter what had my back.  I was talking about this the other day to my cousin... if my dad couldn't figure it out (whatever IT was), he could.  He was part of my village that protected us all.  This loss was pretty profound for me and I (still) feel horrible that I wasn't able to be there for my cousin and aunt when I think they needed me most because of this damn pandemic.  They live in Florida and if you only watch a little bit of news, you know this was a hot spot for a while.  He was the family photographer, someone to just look up to, and a pillar in the community. It's a little surreal.  Always remember, never forget!

The ugly... Wearing these face masks and glasses which means I can never see because they keep getting fogged up!! Actually... what's ugly is the national response to this pandemic.  Front line workers dying because they didn't have proper gear.  Black and brown people dying at a disproportionate rate. This virus that is not going away even though they have a vaccine, I'm just not going to be one of those that take it, so if that means I have to stay inside a little longer, then I will.  

Thinking about this year has just been A LOT!!  There are a few memes going around that say 2020 has been 5 years long.  More good is I lost about 40 pounds!! I'm rounding up even though the holidays have wreaked havoc on my loss.  Thanksgiving wasn't so bad, but Christmas... WHOOO BABY!!!  The amount of Christmas cookies, girl scout cookies, chocolate, heavy cream, BUTTER, rich food, pork, beef, it's too cold to go for a walk and when it gets dark I still don't wanna exercise in the house... these are all my excuses.  I'm doing WW and we talked about reset yesterday (which coincidentally has been the theme for the past few weeks at church (well virtual church)) and how we need to stop waiting for the first of the year to do a reset.  Actually we can do a reset everyday if need be, I just know I'm not throwing any of these cookies away, so I planned for my reset to be Monday.   I bought a planner for 2021 and the goal is to start structuring my days better.  I'm still trying to figure out what exactly that means.  I'm in a very reflective mode right now and a little emotional.  I feel like there is more but this is more than I have typed for this blog in a forever while!! You're welcome : D

The Coronus!!

I'm currently on hold with my mortgage company to see about all the help they say they are going to give, but I'm not too hopeful. 1. I've been on hold for about 60 minutes and they come on about every 30 seconds to tell me how important my call is (yeah BULL SHIT) and then B. I sent an email last week and they ain't even acknowledge receipt. I actually am not in desperate need, but what if I was?!?!? At this point I just want to see how long it's going to take before they actually come on the line. I'm not fully convinced they have people working the phone lines, and the person who is my single point of contact does not have and extension so when I call her it just restarts the call. And this hold music is maddening!!! Just UGH!!! Oh wait, so if I send an email from the website they DO respond by acknolewding reciept, hmmm... Good to know. I think I'm about to hang up

This virus is just putting us all in a very big pickle! I have to admit I was not taking this as seriously as I am am know back in late February early March.

2019 Year in review

I am sitting here on New Year's Eve 2019 trying to decide if I am going to do work or write my blog that I have neglected pretty much ALL YEAR!!  And as much as I need to do work, I just don't feel like it.  I am being pulled in several directions which is funny because most of my managers are on vacation.  Nothing really is happening this week.  But you know... I have to pretend.

This morning I was having a real deep conversation with myself.  I had been thinking for a while now that when my mom passed away that I would move to the Bahamas and sell juice on the beach.  This was something Whitney Houston said she wanted to do with her daughter when the world just got to be too much.  It probably would have served her well to do just that.  She and her daughter might still be here.  I am not that glum, but some day I do want to run away and be a complete beach bum! So my mother did pass away in April and it has been different.  For a while I didn't know what to do with myself on Tuesdays Thursdays and Sundays.  These were the days I went to visit her and it felt like a huge piece of my life was missing especially on those days.  Even now sometimes I don't want to go right home because I feel like I need to make a pit stop to make sure she is ok, but alas...

I don't want this to be a tearful journey even though I am a bit teary eyed right now.  Mostly because I still cry at a drop of a hat.  SO let's visit the good stuff! Let's do bullets!

• I have been dating a really amazing guy for the past 2 years.  He cooks for me, prayed with and for me, been the cheerleader I never knew I needed, given me counsel when I asked and sometimes even when I didn't and provides security that this self proclaimed independent single chick needs.  Now right now I am a little mad with him and even though I spiral sometimes it really isn't that big of a deal. 
• Mary J Blige "Be Happy" just came on, probably one of my favorite songs.  Cause that is all anyone really wants is to be happy.
• I got a lot of much needed work done on my house, AC, dryer and roof replaced; work done in my kitchen and living room (even though it will need to be redone because something still is not right BUT we are accentuating the positives here) AND a lovely new floor!!  OH and the front door.  Damn that's a lot!!  But my credit is good so why not??!
• I read the blog before this one, I never did get around to laying the mulch or soil.  Maybe next year LOL
• I went to Paris!!  Well my BFF and god kids did a world wind tour of France and Italy.  I was a little to quick so I have to go back to Paris and the South of France for sure. Rome was the hood so not so much there. There is too much to explore and I am ready for it. 
• Staying on the vein of Travel, I made what seems now to be an annual trip to Miami.  This was for a music festival which was really pretty nice!  
• Wait was that it!?!? I think that was it for the vacays.  I did manage to get to Capital Jazz which I seemed to have missed for the past few years.  Also, I went to Rehobeth for a few days.
• I managed to not get fired this year!!  LOL  The company I work for has a lot to be desired but they also saw benefit in me and let me keep my job.  We all know that has been a struggle for me over the years. 
• I'm still selling jewelry and I still enjoy it, but I have slowed down quite a bit.

I think that's it.  

I really am looking forward to 2020!!  2019 hasn't been horrible, but it has had it's challenges as every year does.  I have to get my health, my finances, and my spiritual life in order.  I have some good travel on deck.  AND... I will be celebrating 25 years in my illustrious sorority Alpha Kappa Alpha!!  I have a ridiculous silver dress and silver shoes for the prayer breakfast next month and I just ordered another silver outfit for Boule this summer.  She ready!!!!  

Jeez it's been so long, how do I usually end these things?!?!?  Live long and prosper!!!

it's STILL a matter of motivation

I'm sitting here trying to understand why a co-worker felt the need to give information to a manager that was not really relevant.  Which turned into a whole office conversation...which turned into everyone chiming into something that didn't need everyone's opinion.  And then after I left the conversation that I knew was no longer necessary and sat and thought about it, it occurred to me that she doesn't know yet that everything you think doesn't need to be said.  As simple as this statement is, it is a learned thing.  I remember back when I was a lot younger and if I thought it, it came right out of my mouth!  Sometimes in a tone that either was nasty or sometimes out of sheer ignorance but I said whatever popped into my head.  It took me many MANY years to learn HEY CHICK... It's okay to not say shit to everyone about everything.  It just is!!  So I came back out to clarify a point to the pointless conversation and it was said that the way the young co-worker said what she said made it seem very negative.  She only heard a portion and pipped back up to say how it wasn't negative.  Even though it really was.  This was a very important lesson for me to learn. One that had I just kept my mouth shut, I would have kept a job that I really didn't like (well no wait I didn't mind the job it was the horrible wig wearing bad toothed manager who didn't even want to hire me in the first place... but I digress).  And I am at the point in my career and with these current group of younger co-workers that I am done saying what I think needs to be said to them.  They are going to have to learn just like I did and every one else did.  Hopefully they are self aware enough to learn those needed lesson.
Being self aware is not something that we all possess.  For a long time I thought it was and I know that I have written about it before on this here blog.  But a conversation with a close relative made me rethink it.  He was convinced people know what they are doing and why.  I disagreed.  People are sometimes petty, and mean or nice or whatever and have no idea why they are acting in such a way. Some people are really unsure about why they do anything that they do.

The above has been a draft just waiting anxiously and patiently in my draft file since 2018... It is now late spring 2019 and I am just logging back in and have more shit to say.  I am really rather busy here at work but I can't seem to get my shit together enough to start my day.  I just drank an iced coffee from Taco Bell that was both not that good but also not that bad... just kinda meh!  I have my iPod touch playing a random ass mix of whatever is on the lil thing.  I haven't updated that in a long while.  But every once in a while it will play just what I need.  I was singing my heart out yesterday until one of the managers interrupted my self serenade.  Don't even get me started on these managers... I just have never been in an organization that I was gonna say didn't care about it's people but that's not it.  Its bigger than that.  I almost want to sit in at the shareholders meeting to see what people who have money invested think of their investment. The people in charge are just so far removed from the people who actually do the work in so many regards.  We provide a service yet the one at the top are the only ones who seem to reap the rewards for a job well done.  Anyway... my time here is numbered.

I bought 5 bags of mulch that have been hanging out on my grass for the past few weeks.  My lawn dude who all he does is cut the grass asked when I was going to move it.  I would ask him, but he literally only cuts the grass and sometimes the bushes in the back. I told him eventually!  I also started some seeds in April that are about ready to go into the ground but the 2 bags of soil also need to make their way to the back and that might not happen until the weekend.  I'll get my nails done after I move all of this stuff.  So that is incentive to get this done because my nails look a mess.

Okay, so I am going to get some water.  Take an airborn.  Start my day... In that exact order.  Or I might just stare at my screen for another 10 minutes.