you put the corn in the puddin and the puddin in the bowl!!

There is the mean looking little goblin man with a tear drop tat that I keep trying to speak to.  Well ok, to be fair, I thought he said hello first, when all he really did was look me in the eye and mean mug me as he walked by. And I didn't do anything to this man, I promise I didn't.  But I think I'm going to keep seeing him around as some sort or karmatic (is that a word?) punishment for me doing something to someone in my past.  Just now I waved at goblin man as I was trying to get a snack because I have not been doing so great either on WW nor snack rationing so I needed a chip.  I truly believe he grunted at me.  What may have been my saving grace is there were 2 guys walking up so I really coulda been waving to the other guy.  I mean I wasn't but you know, HE don't know that LOL

You know how everyone gained weight during Covid?  Not me!!  I actually lost weight because I had nothing to get in my way of eating right and exercising.  At one point I did a 100 days where I made sure I exercised every single day for a 100 days.  But to say I'm stagnant is an understatement.  I have maintained, but if I'm really being honest, I've gained and it is freaking me out.  I still eat pretty well and I do need my ration of chips but I have not exercised. Exercise I have found is the key for me.  I can't seem to do it just with food.  Probably also, my ass is getting older and my body just needs a shake up more often than I have been shaking it up.  But, I'll get there.  There is a young lady I follow on IG and she lost 126 pounds.  She looks amazing!  I also follow Black Women Losing Weight and they have a daily phot of someone who has lost lots of weight.  I am so glad for that motivation.

I'd like to file this under 'Shit that only happens to me!' Boom so check it (I never start like that but it felt right)... I'm at my favorite store which now currently is the Aldi's!  I do all the shopping I need to do, doesn't matter it's the 3rd time I'd been in the same week I needed more stuff.  I load my groceries in the trunk put my key as I normally do in the gap and then proceed to shut the trunk WITH THE KEY in the gap area.  I stood there in shock for a sec and then was like WELL SHIT!!  Now this is bad because I'm locked out, it's hot, and my phone is on the inside of the car because since the start of covid, I don't take my phone in stores with me.  It was my justification to not get extra germs on me.  Actually, for a while there all I was taking in the store was my car key and 1 card... well that is until I lost my card at the Whole Foods and had to cancel it and get a new card 😕 but that's another story, even though that is really all there is to the story... I took it in, most likely dropped it, called the bank immediately, and had to get another card. So back to Aldi.  I stood there more pissed than anything because I don't have my State Farm card so I don't know the number for roadside assistance and then SHIT AGAIN... I don't know anyone's number so even if I get a phone, who the hell am I gonna call? So I decided to go back into the store and ask for help because what choice do I have?  I ask the 1st cashier I see who then has to ask her manager who looks over at me like I stole something.  I'm standing there looking pitiful as hell and then she finally come over, attempts to look up the number and then hands me her phone.  I doesn't even occur to me to be concerned about the germs, I just take the phone and look up what I need to look up.  Now the systems in place now demand that you do everything online but you can't really do things online when you are borrowing someone's phone.  I finally get through to a customer service rep, and it takes a while to get through all of the information but we do, only for her to tell me to look for a text which is majorly frustrating but I just say thank you.  At this point I'm trying to decide if I am going to stand inside or go outside.  It's an overcast day but it is quite warm but after standing inside for a bit, I go outside.  A nice lady asked if I was ok.  I explained the situation and she offered to drive me home and I considered for about 2.3 seconds, but I couldn't think of where my extra key was in the house. So I stood there and then decided that I needed to sit; not sure where cause I was tired and it was hot and there was no where to sit.  Anyways, I went to go stand by my car.  The customer service rep told me lock outs usually are pretty quick, but I didn't know if that meant 20 minutes or 2 hours. So I'm standing by my car and was thirsty as hell and then decided to go into the Dollar Store to get a drink, because thankfully, even though I didn't have my key nor my phone, I did have my debit card.  I ended up getting a water and a strawberry lemonade (which was disgustingly sweet) and hang out by my car again. I don't know what made me go to the driver side door but I do and DAMMIT, it was unlocked!!  I stand there like WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK!!!! I get in, unlock the trunk and get my key.  Then I'm thinking was it open the whole time?!?! Did I just imagine being locked out?  Did I just go through this whole rigmarole for nothing?!?!  At what point did my door unlock??  Cause I banged on the trunk.  WHY DOES THIS SHIT ONLY HAPPEN TO ME!?!? After I finish laughing at myself about this dumb situation I drive off, slightly embarrassed but for what I don't know because even if I see the cashier again, she probably won't recognize me because I still where my mask. I'm still chuckling at myself because that was one for the books!

June is busting out all over!!

I started a new job in mid-May.  Yay me!!  The main thing we need to note here is full time hours and pay AND waaaaay better benefits.  The benefits I had at my previous part time sucked monkey balls.  They sucked so bad that I am still paying for things that were not covered that I had no way of finding out it if was or was not covered until after the fact because no one would ever pick up the phone when I called.  How the whole office always at lunch?!?!  And when I would give my card to the medical people, they would look at it and me, like, we aint neva heard of this company before EVER!  I'm excited to be learning some new things, but I'm also excited to be teaching what I know.  Oh you gon get all my years of working history and office knowledge whether you want it or not!!  LOL The other joy is that I get to work with all men AND we get to share a bathroom AND they always make it a habit to leave the toilet seat up AND they're aim is usually pretty good, but I have strategically placed disinfecting wipes all around just in case they miss which is not often (believe it or not) EXCEPT for today!!!  TODAY some nasty ass man left pee all over the toilet and the floor and I'm standing there looking and I had to literally LOL cause how the entire fuck do you miss the toilet and manage to get it all over the floor as well, proceed to put your junk away and then hopefully wash your hands and leave the bathroom?  Sir did you NOT see all of the piss?!?!  I mean even another man walking up to that should be grossed out. BUT I have to emphasize that it was just today.  Normally, there are only 4-5 of us in the office at any given time.  I had to have been one of the contractors; I'm convinced.  The other thing I am looking forward to is throwing shit away!  I do find great joy in throwing other people's stuff away.  But this stuff really does have to go cause do we really need the MSDS binders from 2008?  NO.... no we do not.  I've gotten quite a bit of junk out of my office which served as the 'junk' office for years, I'm sure.  My 1st week the IT dude was about to put an extra monitor on top of my credenza which just from how he was moving was a normal occurrence.   I said OH NO SWEETIE, this has to live somewhere else.  And he was like OH well, I have to get a cart.  THEN a cart you must get, because it can't stay here.  I think often times when things change, people don't take the time to just go through all of the things so things just stay where there are and then a manager leaves, or a worker doesn't come back or gets promoted and then unintentional hoarding occurs.  I get it!  A few jobs ago, the office manager had ordered so many paper clips, that if I wanted to, I could have started a side hustle just selling the paperclips from work AND no one would have ever missed them.  

I have HBO Max and one of the things I love is movies that I can see without having to go to the theatre even though I really do love going to the theatre but... COVID.  So most recently I've watched 'In the Heights'.  When I saw the trailer, my initial thought was OH... OK!!  They actually have some darker skinned Hispanic people... I mean not my complexion, but darker than the light skin that is normally portrayed.  Good job!!  And then I'm a musical kind of chick so I was excited that this movie was coming to the 'big' screen.  I really did enjoy the movie. Nice love story between 2 couples; nice musical numbers; singing was pretty good; dancing was AMAZING!  I'm still trying to figure out if the black guy from Straight Outta Compton was supposed to be Hispanic or regular Black... because regular American Black is indeed a thing; or maybe I should say American descendants of slaves (ADOS) which translate to Black.  I will watch it again because I know I missed a few things.  Also it was 2 hours and twenty 2 minutes!  That's a long ass running time! I am still trying to figure out if Anthony Ramos is  cute and he is... but kinda not really, but kinda sort yeah?!?!  I mean could he get it???  Probably not!!  Those teeth might give me a hysterectomy, but he's cute!  LOL The little girl who played Nina, her hair keep changing and I kept having to question if it was a wig... And OMG Dascha Polanka... I did not know Miss Orange is the New Black had so much uuuhhhh... BOOTY!!! I was like OK Sis!!! And then there's Jimmy Smits... He could have gotten it since LA Law ijs.... LOLOLOLOL  I could have used more than 5minutes of Marc Anthony. Today I watched a Broadway slime video (which means bootleg... I had to look it up LOL) of the original play and it gave a little more context for a few things.  They of course added a few things to the movie and kinda rearranged a few of the scenes but essentially the same show.  

I wrote more stuff... but this is what happens when you don't hit save : /

I'm astounded by your beauty, the charm your pouring on me!

 Just in case you were wondering... black women DO EXIST!!  Last night I started watching the newest offering on the Netflix with Jamie Fox and David Alan Grier.  It is majorly unfunny but honestly I wasn't expecting much.  What get my panties all in a literal and proverbial bunch is WHY DID THE BLACK MOM HAVE TO DIE!?!?  I mean I guess they do have the black 'auntie' and Luenelle was on the 1st episode so that's something. But, this is the same storyline as the equally unfunny show with Keenan and the other dude from SNL.  The grandfather is white, so we know the black mom was biracial.  And I haven't watched a whole episode of that show, but there is the black woman co-worker... so there's that.  The Rock has a show too, and no black women and granted he is 1/2 black and his mother and that side of his family is Polynesian so, they have some melanin, but they are not black.  I'm sick of this story line and I'm not sure why it is all of a sudden a popular trope.  I know there are many single dads out there, but there are also single mothers, whole ass families and a lot of variations that Hollywood doesn't seem to promote.  What's the most hilarious thing to me, is all the men I listed above have not one single black wife or partner so I guess they might not know how to write that.  The Rock and Jamie fox have both been on Essence magazine and I know The Rock was asked directly about dating black women and he said something about how strong black women are, but yet I have never seen one on his arm. So just to reiterate... BLACK WOMEN EXIST!  And we come in so many beautiful shapes and sizes!  Not all of us are biracial with long flowy hair, although some of us are.  Some of us have dark skin, and guess what, we are beautiful too!! 

I just read an article about a rapper in Randallstown "Chad Focus" who stole 4 million from his company and was sentenced to federal prison.  I read the article and I watched one (cause what I don't want to do is F up my algorithm) of his videos on the Youtubes which wasn't even a whole 3 minutes.  And you know what?  I got questions.  #1 what checks and balances were not in place at his job for him to be able to run up a credit card bill that much?  Like HOW SWAY!?!?! #B There is a big booty girl in said video who shakes her ass on him stripper style the entire video.  I wonder how much she got paid?  Did she get paid? What is the going rate for ass shaking?  I wonder.  And #iii at what age do you say to yourself (cause he is a whole 33 years old, not ancient, and I know you gotta hustle) you know what, I think I'm a lil too old to still tryna be a rapper?!?!?  What was sad is I think he has a some mental concerns and that needs to surely be addressed.  But at least he stole millions!!!  Y'all know, if you ever hear about me in the 'papers' which I guess I have to change to the internets... it's going to be for BILLIONS, so at very least he didn't just nickel and dime the company.  I mean, his co-workers had to take pay cuts becasue of him, BUT he went out with a bang, AND still no career.  

Does a mojito count as a good Cinco de Mayo drink?  Ugh.. probably not seeing as it's Cuban and not Mexican. Well Ima act like it's Mexican TAHnight!!!

 

and there'd be no more hours of dreaming...

This week has just been hard! My sister had surgery and she came and stayed with me for a few nights and I reconfirmed that I am not built for the overnight shift.  When I was taking care of my mom and it became clear that she was not going to sleep through the night on a regular basis, I got a night nurse.  I actually liked that I could take care of my sister, that wasn't the bad part.  The bad part is my body just could not get it together. AND THEN there was daylight savings time which is some fracken nackle.  So I was just tired!  I kept trying to not be tired and telling myself I wasn't tired, but my ass was TIRED!! My goal is to work out at 5 times a week, which usually I make it 3 times, but last week, I worked out once.  I felt good after, but that was all I could muster for the week.  It's ok to not be ok! I felt bad for feeling bad.  How crazy is that?  Then it's also been gloomy and cold.  Friday was the first day I felt like myself.  My body is slowly but surely getting back to the normal that I am used to. 

Spring has sprung!  I didn't even realize the first day of spring had made it's arrival.  I shoulda known.  One clue were the smallish flower that were starting to pop up in my backyard.  I bought this random little basket of bulbs at Aldi's last fall and got them in the ground.  My main fear was that one of the critters (rabbit, squirrel or maybe even that dame ground hog (even though my brother told me it was most likely a family, I am still holding on to it just being 1 LOL)) were going to dig them up and eat the.  The squirrels are real good for that.  But, surprisingly they didn't!  It would have been great if I had labeled them, but unfortunately, that is not my strong suit.  There are crocus and maybe some type of lily and maybe a tulip?  It will be a surprise whenever they bloom.  It truly are the little things!  Also, my plants in the front are also making their arrival.  

The concept that things revolve around you is so ingrained in all of us that sometimes I think we forget that there are bigger things going on than what we can see or comprehend.  IT'S BIGGER THAN YOU!  

I washed my car today because the birds have been completely disrespectful to my car!  AND I felt that I needed to do it myself because an instant car wash or even hand car wash, they would miss a spot, and that would piss me off.  What I don't need is to pay for a service that I know is not going to be good. You go to these places, they don't do a great job, and then you still (well maybe it's just me) feel compelled to tip.  Nope!  Not today!  I had some energy today so I did it myself. I've poked my head out to look out at my car to see if the birds have 'tagged' my car, and so far so good. What I will need to do is buy another hose.  I've had that one for several years; the spray nozzle is rusted onto the hose AND there are a few holes. If I wasn't paying attention, I would have given my creepy neighbor, because I know his weird ass was watching, a nice little wet t-shirt show!  I'm looking on the Amazon now to see about a new hose which is going to take me down a rabbit hole of shopping and reading reviews and trying to figure out the durability and... UGH... just alla that!! I might could tape up the holes??! Maybe I won't be that trifling LOL! Or maybe I will?!??

Today is Sunday and the sun has been absolutely amazing!!  I just sat outside and soaked up the setting sun.  I have been in such a mode of gratefulness!  I am thankful for all of the things big, small, and in between!  And that's all I have to say about that!!!

Feb 2021

 I let the whole month almost slip by without a post.  The goal is to post at least once a month and I am almost not living up to my end of the deal that I made with myself.  I'm sure I have a lot to talk about, but right now all I can think of are the Sunkist Jellybeans I bought at the Dollar Store last week. I need to get caught up on all my shows from last week, but instead of doing that I'm watching an old show that used to be on Lifetime, UnReal, which is a scripted show about the behind the scenes shenanigans that happen on the Bachelor type shows.  Everyone is sleeping with everyone and it's not nearly as romantic as they make you think it is.  I'm not a huge fan of reality TV, but even from this show you can see how much manipulation goes into the creation of 'good tv'.  I wonder what would happen if they let people actually think for themselves. Also, I need to watch the new Billie Holiday movie, but probably not a good time to start watching after 10 pm.  I will stay away from the reviews although so far everyone is saying it was good.  They also said 'One Night in Miami' was 'good' and it was but it was also a little boring. I love Leslie Odom and Aldis Hodge and the little cutie that played Muhamad Ali and the British actor who played Malcolm X. I am super excited for Regina King and all of the accolades she is receiving.  

I had an amazing nap late this afternoon and I am so ready to go back to sleep.  SO even though I am racking my brain for things to talk about, I will pick this up next month. Peace, love, hair grease, and soul!!! LOL

Happy New Year!!!

 It is the end of the month but the sentiment is the same Happy year of our Lord and savior two thousand twenty one!  We got us a new year to make something of ourselves, or do something different, or do the same damn thing we been doing, or just do you boo boo!!

I'm currently watching The Resident and as much as I love Morris Chestnut, I freaking hate his character on this show, with a BIG passion.  HE. IS. THEEEE. WORST. What I do like **spoiler alert** are Mina and Theo (not his name on the show but Malcolm Jamal Warner will for always and ever be Theo) finally, Finally, FINALLY getting together. I mean that secks has to be HOT!!! mmm... Anywhooo

One of the very few resolutions I made this year was to blog more!  Someone randomly said, 'oh you only blogged twice last year' and I  thought about it and blogging once a month is not too much to ask.  I gotta give the people what they want!!  And I love thinking what the 'people' want and need is one of my random ass blogs.  My opinion of myself is ridiculous! LOL

I'm sure I made other resolutions, but the fact that I made it out of 2020 unscathed is nothing short of a miracle!! I mean we are still in the midst of a global pandemic and so many people that look like me are not making it.  I am still up in the air about the vaccine.  My black doctor told me the science is there and we should trust it, my (her) black nurse was on the fence but, she's an essential worker, so she is getting it.  My elderly... oh wait I'm sorry because she is not a senior citizen... my fly ass aunt just got it the shot, my nephew who is a top secret essential person in the government (wait I said too much... disregard what you just read!!!), and others have gotten the vaccine. I am still a little nervous about it.  I'm just keeping it for real for real!  And as much as I want it to go away, it just isn't going away fast enough! I thought for sure by now we would be getting back to a normal that looked like normal prior to March 2020. Alas, we are not.  The highlight of my week is going to Aldi's and even then, it is a deliberate shopping experience. I have the store mapped in my head so it is a real in and out situation.  Even today, I had to go to Sam's club to pick up a prescription. I mapped it out in my head.  The goal was: get a basket, head to the back, get chicken, water, loop around to the pharmacy, pay for everything there and leave.  In actuality, I only made 2 pit stops.  I got a basket, got kitty litter, chicken, water Kleenex, looked for a big ass thing of Lawry's but all they had was Morton's Seasoned Salt (eww), got my prescription after flirting with the dude in front of me (he flirted first and really how much flirtation can go on without knowing if he had all his teeth?!?!? and then I gotta remember, I got a whole ass man who would think my coy flirts were a sure sign I was leaving him LOL) I got the pharmacy lady to let me buy everything there, thankfully there was no line, and I high tailed it outta there!!  I was on my DON'T GET IN MY WAY mode for sure!  Don't try and sell me nothing extra.  Don't be walking all slow in front of me. I got shit to do! Lingering in the Sam's club is not one of those things.

This show is in Atlanta, WHY aren't there more black folks on this show?!?!  Almost like Designing Women back in the 80's.  They only had the 1 black man, who I just goggled, he died in 2014 : O  and speaking of people who died... Cicely Tyson an American treasure passed away yesterday.  She was 96 years old!  What an amazingly long and fabulous life and career she had!  She was still working as of last year!!!  That is just amazing.

So maybe late November I started having the worst hot flashes!  I was 46 ( I have since had a birthday, I'm a whole ass 47 now) and this is a little young to be in full blown menopause but for sure perimenopausal. It was just unbearable!  I would turn on my electric blanket in my bed, get warm and then 2 minutes later threw all of my blankets and comforter off because my ass was hot!  I would turn on my fan and let it blow on all parts of my body even if the temperature was 25 degrees.  I. WAS. HOT. It has gotten better in the last 2 weeks but I really thought I was gonna die!!  I mean I would just be sitting there and need to just fan myself because I would start sweating.  The crazy part is, I KNEW it was coming!  Since about age 8 watching my mother just sweat for no good reason.  She wore dress shields so as not to sweat through her blouses and dresses.  I remember running around church looking for paper towel because her flashes were severe.  She would drive fast with the windows down to relieve herself of being hot. I was there for it all, so I knew!  Fast forward to watching my sister strip down and sit in front of a fan because she was flashing! I knew! And then lets not forget the book club ladies who asked me to turn down my heat when I hosted book club because... FLASH!  So I knew it was coming!!  I just was not prepared with the vengeance with which it came!!! It has settled down a bit, but I have my fans (electric and manual) ready cause I  never know.

Ugh... maybe I shouldn't have drunk a jumbo glass of wine when I have a committee meeting in about 10 minutes! 

 Meeting went off without a hitch.  I actually sounded like I knew what I was talking about LOL.

2020 Year in review

 I mean, do we really need a year in review?  This year has been a shit show for so many reasons so why even review it? I'm sitting here at my desk with new (well not new... but more like clean!) pj's and freshly twisted hair, and I'm so thankful that I made it this far!  I'm not even really in a bad space, I mean, true, I am a little sad right now but that could probably be chalked up to regular winter blues.  It's a bright sunshiny day, but it's cold af.  A friend wanted to meet up to walk outside and I got cold just thinking about it LOL.  Do I start off with the good, the bad, or the ugly?!?!? Ehhh... maybe I'll go in that order.  The good is that I have been healthy and maintained my life, which is HUGE because, so many things could have gone wrong at so many different points.  I've worked for a total of maybe 5 months (3 1/2 months full time and 3 months part time which amounts to about a month) this year and not lost my car or house, I never missed a meal or skipped a beat (well maybe a few beats were skipped)!  The inevitability of losing my job was written on the walls long before Covid reared it's ugly head.  The general restructuring of my department moving everything back to the corporate office in late 2019 and them assigning me more work/duties with no more money was a clear sign to me.  The company I worked for almost relishes when people fail.  It sounds a bit odd, but I've seen it more times than I care to admit.  They legit set you up for failure and then act dumb when you do.  But I'm a pretty good employee, scratch that I am a STELLAR employee, so the bottom line is, I get shit done!  Way to pat myself on the back cause who the hell else will.  Anyway, I've been on a working more with less for a while and I was thinking through my exit strategy that I planned on implementing around the summer.  Late February early March was when it was finally realized that this lil virus wasn't going anywhere.  There were hiring freezes, people I had extended job offers to, had to be rescinded, it was the pits.  Although funny enough, the people who made way more than I did never got affected nearly as much as me or the minimum wage folks, cause a 10% pay cut on 6 figure salary...  but I digress.  March 17, I was escorted into an office where 3 people had to let me know I was being 'furloughed'; not really let go or fired, but furloughed.  It's funny to me now like WHY did I need 3 people to deliver this news to me?? Did they think I was gonna act a fool? Also, even though I was in the Baltimore office, I was a corporate employee.  Anyway, I was told to not turn in my keys or phone because this was temporary and I'd be back in no time.  In my mind I really thought I'd be back by June. August the latest.  But people kept getting sick and dying and no end was in sight to this pandemic.  I think it occurred to me around June that I was not ever going back and I was really okay with that.  Side note, I still have my keys and phone.  If I wanted to, I could rob them blind because there are no alarms nor cameras AND they would always forget to lock the back door.  That's just not my nature, BUT... I COULD!!! just saying.  So I quarantined.  I bought toilet paper and paper towel like everyone else.  I bought groceries and liquor to ride out this impending apocalypse like everyone else and just chilled.  I filed for unemployment and got the extra money so I was good!  My initial goal was to keep the same routine; my alarm went off at 5:55 and I hit the snooze and then attempted to get out of the bed.  That keeping the same routine thing failed miserably so the next goal was just to get out of bed and put on a bra and clothes.  This one I have kept up.  Early on everyone who had not lost their job felt the need to tell me what they would do if they had.  Like 'I wouldn't get outta bed' or 'I would just lounge around all day' or '__________ fill in the blank of whatever'.  And I gotta tell you, lounging around all day gets boring.  I needed some type of purpose.  So I starting posing jewelry everyday; this led to some nice sales. I also started cleaning up my basement which, when would I ever get this time again? It is mostly cleaned up, I still have a ways to go but I have thrown out and donated a lot of things so this definitely falls under good. I started a garden!  The tomatoes didn't really produce like I wanted but the cucumber kept giving and giving... all in all it worked out.  I did a lot of sitting in my back yard enjoying nature and wine.  I got my porch redone (this falls into the bad and ugly category as well). I was living my best life!! Around late August I decided it was time to get back out in the work force; and after longer than usual, I finally got a part time job yay ; / 

Time for the bad... Everything got cancelled!!  I really did not anticipate not being able to do nothing! My sister and I were in the process of planning our biennial family reunion.  We went to the hotel to do a tour and plan out the logistics; it was looking great.  I made the announcement that everything was still on, only to have to recant that statement about a week later. I felt so stupid because I was the main one pushing for us to keep it moving even when there were so many signs that pointed to everything being shut down.  That was that!  Then there was the case of my House Music cruise that I just new I would be able to go on.  Week by week Royal Caribbean had a new update, as well as the organizers of the event kept trying to keep hope alive.  It takes many hours, weeks, months to plan these types of events which I know all too well, but when I got cancelled for good, RUN ME MY MONEY!!! The cruise was in April, I got my refund in June.  Now this doesn't sound that bad in retrospect, but when you are checking your account every other day, 2 months is like a lifetime.  And Southwest didn't give NO money back, they extended the time to use the credit for 2 years.  Honestly though, I have no idea where and when I'm going to use it.  Then there was loss.  I lost 2 uncles this summer.  One who had been suffering from dementia for about as long if not longer than my mother. He was my father's first cousin so technically not my uncle, but that's all I knew him as.  He hadn't been doing well for quite some time, but you still don't expect folks to die. I mean you do, but I still get caught off guard when they do. He was the one who had all the cool gadgets (like a VCR LOL).  He tinkered with stuff and had the cool basement hideaway which I would love to go to after Sunday school with my cousin.  This funereal sent us to Pittsburgh for the weekend.  It's always good to see family but not really under those circumstances.  My other uncle was starting to suffer from dementia as well.  His decline, even though it had been years, seemed to be quick.  Even though I was closer to him I'm sort of at a loss for what to say here.  He was a man that I know no matter what had my back.  I was talking about this the other day to my cousin... if my dad couldn't figure it out (whatever IT was), he could.  He was part of my village that protected us all.  This loss was pretty profound for me and I (still) feel horrible that I wasn't able to be there for my cousin and aunt when I think they needed me most because of this damn pandemic.  They live in Florida and if you only watch a little bit of news, you know this was a hot spot for a while.  He was the family photographer, someone to just look up to, and a pillar in the community. It's a little surreal.  Always remember, never forget!

The ugly... Wearing these face masks and glasses which means I can never see because they keep getting fogged up!! Actually... what's ugly is the national response to this pandemic.  Front line workers dying because they didn't have proper gear.  Black and brown people dying at a disproportionate rate. This virus that is not going away even though they have a vaccine, I'm just not going to be one of those that take it, so if that means I have to stay inside a little longer, then I will.  

Thinking about this year has just been A LOT!!  There are a few memes going around that say 2020 has been 5 years long.  More good is I lost about 40 pounds!! I'm rounding up even though the holidays have wreaked havoc on my loss.  Thanksgiving wasn't so bad, but Christmas... WHOOO BABY!!!  The amount of Christmas cookies, girl scout cookies, chocolate, heavy cream, BUTTER, rich food, pork, beef, it's too cold to go for a walk and when it gets dark I still don't wanna exercise in the house... these are all my excuses.  I'm doing WW and we talked about reset yesterday (which coincidentally has been the theme for the past few weeks at church (well virtual church)) and how we need to stop waiting for the first of the year to do a reset.  Actually we can do a reset everyday if need be, I just know I'm not throwing any of these cookies away, so I planned for my reset to be Monday.   I bought a planner for 2021 and the goal is to start structuring my days better.  I'm still trying to figure out what exactly that means.  I'm in a very reflective mode right now and a little emotional.  I feel like there is more but this is more than I have typed for this blog in a forever while!! You're welcome : D