thursday random 177...

So I’m sitting on the couch with my newly acquired roommate (does that sound better than my mom lives with me?) and we are watching Family Tools, a new show on ABC, and since I like it, it will be cancelled soon.  So Carrie (From King of Queens) is the sister and she is teaching her 16 year old how to drive, which ends up being her showing him where to adjust the mirrors and putting the car in reverse.  And I don’t know why but I always empathized with kids learning how to drive.  So I turn to Barb and ask her if she remembered teaching me how to drive and she said ‘OH yes.  I had to do it before you father tried to teach you’ me, very curious, ‘why was that’, and then she turns to me and say all matter of factly ‘well because I was the better driver!’ This my friends is a small glimpse into why I am how I am!!  OF COURSE she thinks she is/was the better driver.  I ALWAYS think I can drive better than pretty much everybody so now I know it’s HER fault!!!  LOL

I know you love you kid(s) but I have a cat so going on and on about what they do and their quirks is really lost on me.  I just told my little cuz when she said she needed to cook dinner to let the kids feed theyself!!  Her kids are 9, 3, and 1.  The 9 year old (who might actually be 8 or 10??!?) might be aiight.  But the 3 and 1 year old would be SOL!!  So I’m listening now to my frantic co-worker try and figure out if she is going to go home or get someone to get her 9 year old because she doesn’t’ like one of the camp counselors.  This is the last week of camp.  My advice is always to let me talk to her kids to straighten them out because I have such good children skills!! In fact I have an idea for kids aged 10 – 13.  It would be Auntie Boot Camp… The shit your mama won’t do which is beat that ass if you get outta line.  Shaking is permissible.  The motto of the camp: YOU GONNA LEARN TONIGHT!!!   I say this in jest but these kids today are a different breed.  I wish I would have called my mom at work to tell her I’m not going to camp cause I don’t like the counselor!!  I wish I would have NOT eaten something she put on my plate for any meal.  The only exception was liver.  I mean I wasn’t a picky kid but liver made me gag.  I wish I would have talked back and thought I wasn’t gonna get hit telling either parent what I was and wasn’t gonna do.  It just galls me to see the interaction of the youths today!!

Things I want to say but it’s a good idea that I don’t:

Dude I don’t know where you pulled that dashiki out from but you need to put it back… 

OOH OOHH… the 70’s called and they want their dashiki back

Oh my key chain?  It’s says 1908… for my sorority.  You know, because I went to college!!  (no shade to my friends who didn’t go to college, this was actually for one of my managers who said such crass things as OMG they speak Mexican!!  Really lady PC should be something you learn not now but RIGHT NOW!!)

It is sandal season lady; get to a nail salon STAT!!  Ain’t nobody got time to look at your crusty feet!

**shouting to all the chicks in the ladies room** COURTESY FLUSHING IS YOUR FRIEND!!!

yes lady you just stunk up the WHOLE BATHROOM don’t look at me like I didn’t just smell what I KNOW I smelled.

a whole lotta random...

Why is it when I wear my flip flops folks want to congregate in the hallways and silently judged me!?!  #paranoid

Why do I feel silently judged on just about EVERY aspect of my life?!?  Maybe because I silently judge everyone else ON everything!!  LOL to the English dude whose pants are just a hair away from being too tight who flirts with the lady on 4… yeah buddy WE all know! To all the married men whose shirts are winkled as hell, you clearly don’t have a 1940’s wife cause she wouldn’t let you leave the house looking as you do!! Judge not lest ye be judge is in the Bible.  But sometimes it’s so hard to not see the flaws in others.  This is something I am working on

Just leave my papers on the printer.  No really!!!  DON’T TOUCH THEM!! I remembered what I printed and I will get up and get them when I need them.  This fool all the way on the other end of the floor picked up my stuff yesterday and I’m standing at the printer like I know I printed it, well wait did I hit print? Maybe I didn’t hit print.  So I schlep back to my desk print it AGAIN and he comes up like OOOOH is this yours?!?  Yes mofo IT IS!! So now you made me kill yet another tree!! And then I find out I only needed 5 of the 42 pages that I printed.  Thank LBJ for front and back printing!

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1000… courtesy flushing is your friend         

Someone made a roast beef sandwich that looked so good last week.  It’s still in the frig at work now.  I KNEW I shoulda stole it last week!! (It’s still in there, this is week 3) Incidentally someone stole my orange juice!  It had my name on it and err thang!!!

You gotta love customer service.  So last week I was on the phone and on hold for about 45 minutes with the good people of Comcast trying to get my service upgraded and more importantly get a phone line for the house.  So after I’m told all the costs associated and that I will need to do a self -install because having a tech come out would be an extra $40 bucks, I call this morning and they say OH no, you don’t need any additional equipment just plug in your phone O_O !!! You’re kidding right?!?  I busted out laughing like WAIT WHAT?!?!  SO I’m now on hold again because the lady is trying to get me squared away… her words not mine even though I do use that term often!!

The reason for me getting a phone line is that my mom is coming to live with me!  This is actually a very good thing.  She is getting older and her being all the way in Pittsburgh has been a bit stressful for me and the sibs.  SO because my house has a 1^st floor bedroom and bathroom, it just works out.  Plus, my brother who has a much bigger house has a much bigger family.  All of the activity of his family and community is just a bit too much for my mom.  And my sister has too many steps in her house, so it just works out for her to come with me.  Plus I’m kinda excited!!  I have a great relationship with my mom, always have.  It makes me so sad to hear people say they don’t speak to their mom, or they don’t really fool with their mother’s.  It just doesn’t compute. 

…I’m still on hold.  Apparently, Customer service Rep David jacked up my account so Cust service rep Charlee is helping me out!  I’m thinking a few months of free service will do the trick!!

Ok so I should have posted this last week right after that line.  So I call Comcast Monday only to be told that I do in fact need to modem that the first guy told me I needed.  This is actually via the live agent chat, because when I called they disconnected me and I was on my lil prepaid phone so I just opted for the chat.  Long story short, I called Verizon, they turned the phone on yesterday.  It really was that simple although the whole modem nonsense with Comcast was a bit too much on top of just EVERYTHING else that is going on now.

So I went to Pittsburgh, picked up my mom, and she is happily living with me.  Well I hope she’s happy!!  Sunday my sister and I… oh wait this needs a new paragraph.

Let me start by saying there is no shame in my game trying to meet that special someone online.  A lot of people look down on it and there is still somewhat of a stigma attached to it.  To me it’s just another resource.  If I don’t go anywhere or do anything outside of work, how really am I supposed to meet Mr. Right (or right now for that matter)?  So I had ‘met’ this guy who after the 2^nd call I knew Yeah this just aint gonna work buddy!! So we are talking and he decided to brush his teeth… BRUSH HIS TEETH while on the phone with me and then proceeded to ask me if I thought it was rude.  I said Yes that was rude.  I mean just call me back later.  Oh wait let me back up, his first call was at 11:55 PM, uuuhhh  that’s booty call time and you aint getting no booty so why do you think it’s ok to call me for the first time that late?  And then he called at about noon the next day.  Buddy I’m at work, let me call you back in about an hour when I’m free.  So I call him back and shenanigans ensued.  I don’t know what I said or what made him jump to the conclusion that I was hurt in the past and that I needed to give a brotha a chance OH and that I’m uptight and some other really kinda mean things, and if I was a chick lacking in self-esteem I might have thought he was a godsend. BUT NO!!  I know myself very well and you talking to me for 10 minutes does not mean you know me so… just lose my number we don’t really have to do this.  Go ahead and get the hint when I reject your calls and don’t call back! Fast forward to this past Sunday…  I am shopping with my sister at the supermarket trying to get stuff for the house for me and my mom.  I see this guy sorta talking to himself, but it’s the store and don’t make much of it and go on my way.  I went down and aisle and he follows me and says HEY BEAUTIFUL!  And I’m like what da hell do you want?!?!  But then I get a good look at him and he’s kinda cute so OKAY… HEY!! So he says something and I’m like yeah ok Sure!  Why not, online aint working so why not?! This is the traditional way to meet people, right?  We exchange numbers, he tells me his name, a flicker of recognition but I’m like hmmm… He texts me later and attached his picture which I always think is odd, I just met you I know what you look like, but whatever that’s what folks do in this day and age.  I look at the pic and I’m like OH SHIT that’s the teeth brushing dude!!  REALLY why couldn’t this be some other guy?  Why did he have to attach his silly looking pic, OF which he does not look the same in person (thankfully).  Why does shit like this only seem to happen to me?!?  It’s a curse that my little baby cousin whom shall remain nameless put on me!!  I’m sure of it!!  So I text him back and say you don’t remember meeting me online and then brushing your teeth in my ear?  He calls and it’s that same voice that I recalled was on the other end.  So when I told him about the teeth incident he was like, WELL is that all?!? He said he had a really bad memory, and for maybe about a minute I was going to give him a chance, start fresh.  So t next day he texts me again, calls me again, asks for me to send him a pic, I say I’m at work and it would be later.  So what does this fool do? He texts yet again, and calls and then texts saying oh you must not be interested all within the span of a few hours.  O_O I know I have dodged a bullet.  He seemed a little too… what’s the word CRAZY!!  And aint nobody got time for that!!  Yeah only me… **smh**

This whole older parent living with me thing is taking some getting used to.  Monday I was dead tired so tired that I couldn’t even get a quick lil nap.  I just laid in the bed.  I did eventually go to sleep at 9:30.  Tuesday was much better! Today is Wednesday and there was no lunch meat, why? because that chick ate it all in 2 days (LOL) so what to fix for lunch, cause you gotta have lunch.  Oh wait the chicken and a salad and some fruit.  I’ll just cut up this cantaloupe real quick, apparently TOO quick because I almost sliced my thumb off **LOUD SIGH**  These injuries to my left hand are taking it’s toll.  I wrapped the dish towel around it (cause I couldn’t find the duct tape!!). Came into work, it was still bleeding. Thank LBJ for the first aid kit at work!!

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It’s not that I dislike my job or the people that work her it’s just that it is very corporate and white washed.   It’s cliquey and it would be VERY lonely here if I didn’t already know some folks that I used to work with before.  I know this is why I faltered, fell, and failed at the job I had in VA.  Again it was a case of me not necessarily disliking the place or the people (the commute is another story LOL), but the only other person I knew there I felt as if he had a knife waiting to stab me in the back even though he often claimed he was looking out for me.  Yeah buddy I can look out for myself if all you gonna do is throw me under the bus!!  So yeah here…

My new TV motto is, If I like it then the show WILL get cancelled!  So far Smash, How to Live with your parents, Private Practice, Bunheads (wait I think I have to google that one) are all canned. So I refuse to start liking any new shows because they will just cancel it. 

So this weekend was the Great Grapes Wine Festival at Oregon Ridge.  I usually don’t mind paying for events like this, but I missed the GroupOn for $15 so paying $35 just didn’t sound like something I wanted to do.  So I had the bright idea to volunteer.  I contacted the lady who was handling it she said I could, so me and one of my girls went on Saturday to volunteer for 3 ½ hours.  Let’s just say I will NOT be doing that again!  It wasn’t that it was bad and I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting, but yeah NO.  So we get there bright eyed and bushy tailed on one of the hottest days so far this year and our names are not on the list.  The chick in charge was just wrote out names down and was like well just help me now and then later you guys can do the GroupOn table.  Let me back up and say the dress code was all black!  I had on a tee shirt, some capris and flip flops which were all black. We initially signed everyone up who got to the festival prior to noon waiting in line.  And then they had the table in the middle of the field NOT under a tent and NO chairs and did I already mention we had on ALL BLACK?!?  I stole one chair and my girlfriend ‘found’ another one, but we were still kinda out in the open.   I always try to make the best of things but it really was hot and I didn’t realize I got sun burned until that night when I was lying on my back and didn’t know why I was in pain.  At various point we took turns carding and putting the pink wrist bands on people.  For some reason the 2 dudes and 1 dudette just took forever to do this and the lines got backed-up.  It was at this point in the day when I was looking at these people who were in my same age group and they were not aging very well.  And then I was like WELL DAMN, so I look like these folks?  I kept seeing 1979, 1976, 1977 and then I would look at these folks and be like you’re only 33?!?! Da hell have you been doing?  And it’s not that I think I look all that great but I just hope I don’t look all that bad!!  Someone recently asked if I was in my 20’s and while that can be complimentary, I really hope I look like I’m 39, not any younger and CERTAINLY not any older.  A good day was had by all.  This was definitely a little more tamer than the Caribbean Festival a week prior at Liganore where folks were literally drinking right out the bottle.   

A spiky haired man just passed my desk… he had on a suit.  I need to pass the office he just went in to get a better look. Yeah his ass is too old for that. I had to do the fake-like-I’m-faxing-something maneuver to go get another look. 

I need a new section of my blog that is titled ‘Shit I really wish I made up… BUT NO IT’S TRUE!!’  because well just because…

As all of my faithful readers know I have taken up hot yoga.  And right now since it is getting hotter outside, it gets hotter inside and more and more people don’t push through they just sit down and take a sip of water and rejoin when they can.  I even find myself not pushing it because I don’t want to pass out.  So in class last Wed we are doing our floor exercises and I notice the little girl (she is a 20 something so they are all little girls to me) lying face down and not really following what we supposed to be doing.  It wasn’t weird, but then she looked really still and for a moment it looked like she was turning blue.  So I’m thinking OH SHIT please don’t let the little girl be dead to the floor in yoga class!!  But then she moved and I was ok.  But then she again got really still and it WAS weird, but then one of the goals of yoga is to focus on yourself and make sure you are doing what you need to do to achieve maximum benefit so I stopped (or at least I tried) looking at her.   When class was over I was sitting on the floor trying to get myself together and I see her and I say ‘are you ok, you looked really still and I was wondering if you were ok’ She said ‘Oh yeah I’m fine I have narcolepsy so sometimes I just fall asleep and forget where I am.  Most of the teachers know so they just leave me alone.’  I look at her and say OOOH OK!!  But then I am ready to just die laughing!!  I know it’s not funny I KNOW THIS!!!  BUT DAMMIT IT’S FUNNY!!! So I’m sitting there stifling a laugh because I really don’t want to laugh at this little girl. 

 And here’s the other thing…

So I’m in line at the festival and 3 women come up and ask me about the purchases I just made which were 3 of the 4 fruity sweet wines from St Michael’s.  So I’m like well just go over there and sample them.  They had ALL lost their wine glass O_O Now how you gon go to a wine festival where you are supposed to sample the wines and you lose you glass!?!?  I told the one girl OH this is most definitely going in my blog!!